Sunday, February 27, 2011
to bed to bed
Completely exhausted. Needing Spring Break to already be here. I feel like all I've done this weekend has been to work, the only breaks being for workouts- swimming and running. Today all I did was read, work on a presentation, run, dye my hair, read more, eat dinner, plan lessons, design a quiz, and design a section of an exam. I keep thinking... if I work through weekends, I'll get ahead and be able to breathe. But even though I'm working weekends and every day I'm still behind. I was told grad school would be like this. I can deal, but I reallyyyyyyy need a break. Constantly exhausted. Sleeping pill kicking in. To bed, to bed, the babysitter said.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
the week
Saturday, February 26, 2011
10:49am
Still lying in bed waiting to get up. I got up earlier, and John made some pancakes and sausage. I started to clean, and then we just both went back to bed. This is what we used to do every Saturday, and I miss it.
The week went pretty well overall. Monday was Zumba, teaching 101, Garcia's class. The discussion I had to lead on Marti went OK. I appreciate those in my group who are patient with me as I struggle through my use of Spanish. Tuesday morning I went swimming then went to campus to get copies made, read, have office hours, then Tuninetti's class. On Wednesday I taught 101, did some reading around campus, and then had Dr. Ferreras's class. I really enjoy him as an instructor. Carly actually picked me up after class on Tuesday, and we went to Los Mariachi's for National Margarita Day. She had her first real margarita, and I had a fish-bowl sized one, and we chatted. It was good. (chronology... i suck at it) Went to spin class in the evening. The instructor who teaches Wed. nights is really enjoyable. She's calm, which I appreciate. I'm not someone who needs a teacher to shout at me for an hour. I much prefer her smiles and her letting us just enjoy the music. Later that evening, Maureen and I headed to Gibbie's for "a beer," which turned out being two beers for me, a beer and two long island iced teas for her, and the two of us singing karaoke. On Thursday I went to the Rec at 9 for personal training with Evan and... I think his name's Ryan. Evan has an intern. They push me and encourage me but are also chilled out and easy to talk to. Spent the rest of Thursday doing work-related stuff, mostly at Zenclay.... grading, record keeping, reading, working on a statement of purpose. Rick and Sheryl were there, so I talked to both of them. That was nice. Rick bought me a cup of coffee. I have trouble letting people do things like that for me, but I'm learning gradually to just smile, say thank you, and appreciate that someone wanted to do something nice for me. Thursday night I met up with Maureen at the CAC, and she and I, along with two of her friends listened to the orchestra. I wasn't a huge fan of the first half, but the stuff that followed intermission was nice. I do enjoy orchestral music. So... Friday. Got up early, actually FELT LIKE going to the Rec, went swimming, taught 101, which went well, went grocery shopping with John, had dinner out with Sr. Rachel, and then went to the wine and cheese social. I really enjoy a lot of the geology people, especially the profs. I don't know what to say to them, since I don't speak their language, but it's good to listen... and drink. Drinks are important. Also, Dorothy has three cat, and one of them is a fat bastard, and I like fat bastard cats.
Now I need to get up and work on soooooooo much shit that i don't even want to explain. I'm excited for swimming this afternoon as Carly's friend Claire has said she would teach me how to do the swim flip. I'm nervous because water is scary and I'm afraid I'll seem like a moron, but also excited.
10:49am
Still lying in bed waiting to get up. I got up earlier, and John made some pancakes and sausage. I started to clean, and then we just both went back to bed. This is what we used to do every Saturday, and I miss it.
The week went pretty well overall. Monday was Zumba, teaching 101, Garcia's class. The discussion I had to lead on Marti went OK. I appreciate those in my group who are patient with me as I struggle through my use of Spanish. Tuesday morning I went swimming then went to campus to get copies made, read, have office hours, then Tuninetti's class. On Wednesday I taught 101, did some reading around campus, and then had Dr. Ferreras's class. I really enjoy him as an instructor. Carly actually picked me up after class on Tuesday, and we went to Los Mariachi's for National Margarita Day. She had her first real margarita, and I had a fish-bowl sized one, and we chatted. It was good. (chronology... i suck at it) Went to spin class in the evening. The instructor who teaches Wed. nights is really enjoyable. She's calm, which I appreciate. I'm not someone who needs a teacher to shout at me for an hour. I much prefer her smiles and her letting us just enjoy the music. Later that evening, Maureen and I headed to Gibbie's for "a beer," which turned out being two beers for me, a beer and two long island iced teas for her, and the two of us singing karaoke. On Thursday I went to the Rec at 9 for personal training with Evan and... I think his name's Ryan. Evan has an intern. They push me and encourage me but are also chilled out and easy to talk to. Spent the rest of Thursday doing work-related stuff, mostly at Zenclay.... grading, record keeping, reading, working on a statement of purpose. Rick and Sheryl were there, so I talked to both of them. That was nice. Rick bought me a cup of coffee. I have trouble letting people do things like that for me, but I'm learning gradually to just smile, say thank you, and appreciate that someone wanted to do something nice for me. Thursday night I met up with Maureen at the CAC, and she and I, along with two of her friends listened to the orchestra. I wasn't a huge fan of the first half, but the stuff that followed intermission was nice. I do enjoy orchestral music. So... Friday. Got up early, actually FELT LIKE going to the Rec, went swimming, taught 101, which went well, went grocery shopping with John, had dinner out with Sr. Rachel, and then went to the wine and cheese social. I really enjoy a lot of the geology people, especially the profs. I don't know what to say to them, since I don't speak their language, but it's good to listen... and drink. Drinks are important. Also, Dorothy has three cat, and one of them is a fat bastard, and I like fat bastard cats.
Now I need to get up and work on soooooooo much shit that i don't even want to explain. I'm excited for swimming this afternoon as Carly's friend Claire has said she would teach me how to do the swim flip. I'm nervous because water is scary and I'm afraid I'll seem like a moron, but also excited.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Leaving
Monday, February 21, 2011
11:57AM
Sitting in E.Moore Hall waiting just a little while until it's time to go teach Spanish. Today is less a teaching day and more a guiding day, as the assignment was pre-created for me by the textbook. They have to write compositions today. I think I'll play Latin music for them while they write. Sometimes in that class... I know as the teacher I shouldn't say this... but I just feel like... what's the point? I mean, they have to start somewhere, I guess, but I feel like I can't really do much to help them learn. I just teach the form then meander through the rows of desks checking on progress, answering questions, and saying yes, you can do this.
Taught Zumba this am. That was rough. I couldn't sleep last night, so around midnight I took a sleeping pill. I figured I'd immediately relax and fall asleep. But I just got hyper, had songs running through my head, and was up 'til after 2am. When John woke me up at 7, I was more than reluctant. Everything hurt, and I was so groggy. Teaching, I felt like I couldn't move. I think I sweat excessively just from exhaustion. I know I was having a rough time because usually I drink one cup of coffee and am ready to go for it . This am, I had two and still just felt like I weighed a million pounds. I couldn't remember choreography and wound up making up shit on the fly. Ugh. But might as well let it go, because as we learned long ago, we all have those days.
I decided to lift a little, too. Why?... because I'm insane I suppose. It really doesn't make sense to do that when you were just struggling for sixty minutes as it was. But I get anal about my workout schedule, and because it was a Monday morning, I just had to do giant sets before I left.
Went home this weekend. Did a lot of reading while I was there, some writing. Visiting was minimal. I was really excited about going home, just to be somewhere calm and familiar, but the opposite was true. Old, stagnant ideas (and I know every kid who goes to college and then goes home says this, but I'm talking some seriously upsetting ideas like border-line racism and homophobia), and I just seem to be under foot when I'm there. Everyone at home, save my Pap-paw maybe, was unhappy, bugged, sick, or depressed.
I've been emotional all weekend, too. I think I just need a break. Did a lot of crying, which always makes me feel a little spastic.
Friday night my parents and i went to dinner at ChooChoo's, and I remember just sitting there having this "Ah-hah" moment of just how different the culture is in New Martinsville vs. Morgantown. Just a 90-minute drive, and you have guys in flannel shirts and camo hats telling their friends, "You're gonna be in TROUBLE!" as opposed to a bunch of young hippies in a coffee shop yammering on about their ideals. Idk, I miss home. But I feel like I cna' tbe there for an extended period of time anymore. I just don't think that way, that it's OK to be angry at other people because they're immigrants, that it's OK to walk out of a room because there's a shot of lesbian couple (holding hands, having coffee) on television. I miss my family, but I just can't relate to them anymore.
John and I were talking in his car, on Saturday, sitting outside of Baristas. I was wound up about various things, and I think I just realize, sort of all at once, how short the rest of my time here probably is. I've always loved West Virginia, but at the same time, I knew I couldn't stay here after awhile. There's nothing here for me career-wise, and the ideas make me want to jump onto a bed of broken glass. But I'm going to miss so many people. Friends, best friends, and family. And that's really been just... crushing the last couple days, thinking about that. I always knew the future was coming, but it's getting closer now. I'm ready to be done with grad school now, and even while a year and a half left seems impossible to manage right now, I know... it's really not that long. My parents talk about John and me getting jobs in the area, moving in with them so we can save money to get started. That just... can't happen. I can't stay here. I can't... live in this muck. I really need to be somewhere with more sunshine and people happy to be alive, not just drudging through miserably. I'm not saying the people here are naturally miserable, but it's a Depression Era town, and the economy of the valley just isn't there. Everyone's struggling. Everyone feels a victim, and really, they are. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to feel trapped and suffocated, and so while it's going to hurt to leave a lot of people, and with some of them it could downright kill me... I've got to get out of here.
Anyway, time to teach. Thinkin' I might need some Excedrine.
11:57AM
Sitting in E.Moore Hall waiting just a little while until it's time to go teach Spanish. Today is less a teaching day and more a guiding day, as the assignment was pre-created for me by the textbook. They have to write compositions today. I think I'll play Latin music for them while they write. Sometimes in that class... I know as the teacher I shouldn't say this... but I just feel like... what's the point? I mean, they have to start somewhere, I guess, but I feel like I can't really do much to help them learn. I just teach the form then meander through the rows of desks checking on progress, answering questions, and saying yes, you can do this.
Taught Zumba this am. That was rough. I couldn't sleep last night, so around midnight I took a sleeping pill. I figured I'd immediately relax and fall asleep. But I just got hyper, had songs running through my head, and was up 'til after 2am. When John woke me up at 7, I was more than reluctant. Everything hurt, and I was so groggy. Teaching, I felt like I couldn't move. I think I sweat excessively just from exhaustion. I know I was having a rough time because usually I drink one cup of coffee and am ready to go for it . This am, I had two and still just felt like I weighed a million pounds. I couldn't remember choreography and wound up making up shit on the fly. Ugh. But might as well let it go, because as we learned long ago, we all have those days.
I decided to lift a little, too. Why?... because I'm insane I suppose. It really doesn't make sense to do that when you were just struggling for sixty minutes as it was. But I get anal about my workout schedule, and because it was a Monday morning, I just had to do giant sets before I left.
Went home this weekend. Did a lot of reading while I was there, some writing. Visiting was minimal. I was really excited about going home, just to be somewhere calm and familiar, but the opposite was true. Old, stagnant ideas (and I know every kid who goes to college and then goes home says this, but I'm talking some seriously upsetting ideas like border-line racism and homophobia), and I just seem to be under foot when I'm there. Everyone at home, save my Pap-paw maybe, was unhappy, bugged, sick, or depressed.
I've been emotional all weekend, too. I think I just need a break. Did a lot of crying, which always makes me feel a little spastic.
Friday night my parents and i went to dinner at ChooChoo's, and I remember just sitting there having this "Ah-hah" moment of just how different the culture is in New Martinsville vs. Morgantown. Just a 90-minute drive, and you have guys in flannel shirts and camo hats telling their friends, "You're gonna be in TROUBLE!" as opposed to a bunch of young hippies in a coffee shop yammering on about their ideals. Idk, I miss home. But I feel like I cna' tbe there for an extended period of time anymore. I just don't think that way, that it's OK to be angry at other people because they're immigrants, that it's OK to walk out of a room because there's a shot of lesbian couple (holding hands, having coffee) on television. I miss my family, but I just can't relate to them anymore.
John and I were talking in his car, on Saturday, sitting outside of Baristas. I was wound up about various things, and I think I just realize, sort of all at once, how short the rest of my time here probably is. I've always loved West Virginia, but at the same time, I knew I couldn't stay here after awhile. There's nothing here for me career-wise, and the ideas make me want to jump onto a bed of broken glass. But I'm going to miss so many people. Friends, best friends, and family. And that's really been just... crushing the last couple days, thinking about that. I always knew the future was coming, but it's getting closer now. I'm ready to be done with grad school now, and even while a year and a half left seems impossible to manage right now, I know... it's really not that long. My parents talk about John and me getting jobs in the area, moving in with them so we can save money to get started. That just... can't happen. I can't stay here. I can't... live in this muck. I really need to be somewhere with more sunshine and people happy to be alive, not just drudging through miserably. I'm not saying the people here are naturally miserable, but it's a Depression Era town, and the economy of the valley just isn't there. Everyone's struggling. Everyone feels a victim, and really, they are. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to feel trapped and suffocated, and so while it's going to hurt to leave a lot of people, and with some of them it could downright kill me... I've got to get out of here.
Anyway, time to teach. Thinkin' I might need some Excedrine.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Imagine
2-19-11
10:39pm
home, been getting work done, walked with mom today, read early on then more later... then more at baristas. john came up we talked picked up pizza watched water at dam, and obviously im not into relating the events of my day...
What if we woke up tomorrow morning with no memory? All of us? And we didn't remember that this one was our brother or teacher or doctor or student or friend or lover... what if we woke up and weren't bound to the roles we and society have cast ourselves into? What if in the morning we forgot all the things we were supposed to want and weren't aware that any of our desires were forbidden? Who would we be, as individuals and to each other? Would we, perhaps, just take off and live in caves or tents with whomever and how ever many we chose? Would we wind up in the same combinations, as familys, cliques, friends, lovers? Would we reorganize, and whoooooooooooooo would we beeeeeee? It occurs to me that the idealistic freeing ourselves from the past bit is utterly impossible unless we experience total amnesia. Otherwise our memories follow us around, shaping our present and future with our past. We make no decisions without some thought to who we were previously, before that decision, we weigh risks based on previous let-downs. Because we have memory, none of us is really free from our past. I'm not saying I want to wake up and have to relearn how to walk and flush the toilet, but it might be nice to have a selective amnesia in the morning. I would love not to know any social rules, like when I was a kid and just did and said whatever the hell I wanted. I wish we'd all just wake up tomorrow, forget our grudges, forget the rules, throw ambition to the wind and just sit down and love each other.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.
10:39pm
home, been getting work done, walked with mom today, read early on then more later... then more at baristas. john came up we talked picked up pizza watched water at dam, and obviously im not into relating the events of my day...
What if we woke up tomorrow morning with no memory? All of us? And we didn't remember that this one was our brother or teacher or doctor or student or friend or lover... what if we woke up and weren't bound to the roles we and society have cast ourselves into? What if in the morning we forgot all the things we were supposed to want and weren't aware that any of our desires were forbidden? Who would we be, as individuals and to each other? Would we, perhaps, just take off and live in caves or tents with whomever and how ever many we chose? Would we wind up in the same combinations, as familys, cliques, friends, lovers? Would we reorganize, and whoooooooooooooo would we beeeeeee? It occurs to me that the idealistic freeing ourselves from the past bit is utterly impossible unless we experience total amnesia. Otherwise our memories follow us around, shaping our present and future with our past. We make no decisions without some thought to who we were previously, before that decision, we weigh risks based on previous let-downs. Because we have memory, none of us is really free from our past. I'm not saying I want to wake up and have to relearn how to walk and flush the toilet, but it might be nice to have a selective amnesia in the morning. I would love not to know any social rules, like when I was a kid and just did and said whatever the hell I wanted. I wish we'd all just wake up tomorrow, forget our grudges, forget the rules, throw ambition to the wind and just sit down and love each other.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Happy, sad, bored.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
3:51PM
I have been sitting in this futon/bed really just about all day reading for Latin American culture and grading compositions. I've taken a couple breaks to eat and hang out with John, but mostly I've just been doing this.
The weekend has been one of mixed emotions. Friday was great. My cousin Emily and three of her friends came and stayed over here, because they wanted to "go out in Morgantown." I went to the departmental party at Sidelines, drank a lot, sang some karaoke, and just enjoyed being out among friends. They always dance, even when there's no dancing, so that's great. I did three karaokes- "Roxie" (favorite), "What if it's you" and "Closer to Fine." Karaoke always cracks me up, taking turns being goofy and entertaining each other.
Saturday morning John left around 6am to go out in the field with Jim. Sounds like it was a cold, miserable day for him. I met Nelson on High Street at about 11:30am, and we went to Drum Circle together. It was another big crowd. This group wasn't as advanced, but it was still a great time. I just enjoy playing and everyone being in the music together. I was pretty wiped out from the night before, so I didn't do much work yesterday. Had lunch out with Emily, her friends, and Carly. I was napping when John got back.
The night got sad. I feel simultaneously outraged, helpless, and sad. I am convinced there is no real justice in operation in our world. And I don't believe in karma, so... it just is what it is, and it sucks is what it does. Don't want to go into it publicly, but positive energy and good thoughts/prayers are welcomed.
School has been... whatever. I'm bored of it. I'm still interested in what I'm doing, sure. But I'm like... ADD. I need to change activities frequently. I'm still into literature and learning Spanish, but it's hard to convince myself to leave my sketchbook, piano, drums, and dance shoes alone. I dreamt I was going to a physics class last night, and I was so excited to learn some math and science. There is no balance in this that I am doing right now. And I know we are a society that has created not only the ability, but also the necessity, to specialize. And I'm just getting... bored. I want to write poetry. I want to take kids backpacking. I want to climb up on a horse and ride crazy across a field again. Blah... putting my nose back to the grindstone.
3:51PM
I have been sitting in this futon/bed really just about all day reading for Latin American culture and grading compositions. I've taken a couple breaks to eat and hang out with John, but mostly I've just been doing this.
The weekend has been one of mixed emotions. Friday was great. My cousin Emily and three of her friends came and stayed over here, because they wanted to "go out in Morgantown." I went to the departmental party at Sidelines, drank a lot, sang some karaoke, and just enjoyed being out among friends. They always dance, even when there's no dancing, so that's great. I did three karaokes- "Roxie" (favorite), "What if it's you" and "Closer to Fine." Karaoke always cracks me up, taking turns being goofy and entertaining each other.
Saturday morning John left around 6am to go out in the field with Jim. Sounds like it was a cold, miserable day for him. I met Nelson on High Street at about 11:30am, and we went to Drum Circle together. It was another big crowd. This group wasn't as advanced, but it was still a great time. I just enjoy playing and everyone being in the music together. I was pretty wiped out from the night before, so I didn't do much work yesterday. Had lunch out with Emily, her friends, and Carly. I was napping when John got back.
The night got sad. I feel simultaneously outraged, helpless, and sad. I am convinced there is no real justice in operation in our world. And I don't believe in karma, so... it just is what it is, and it sucks is what it does. Don't want to go into it publicly, but positive energy and good thoughts/prayers are welcomed.
School has been... whatever. I'm bored of it. I'm still interested in what I'm doing, sure. But I'm like... ADD. I need to change activities frequently. I'm still into literature and learning Spanish, but it's hard to convince myself to leave my sketchbook, piano, drums, and dance shoes alone. I dreamt I was going to a physics class last night, and I was so excited to learn some math and science. There is no balance in this that I am doing right now. And I know we are a society that has created not only the ability, but also the necessity, to specialize. And I'm just getting... bored. I want to write poetry. I want to take kids backpacking. I want to climb up on a horse and ride crazy across a field again. Blah... putting my nose back to the grindstone.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
.
Blue Moose. Can't concentrate. Feel stupid. Can't get his dumb voice out of my head. Or his. I'm doing the hard thing first, like I said I would. It is hard. Every day I feel dumb. Then I think I'm not and just feel angry. Why could I never have left, for awhile, to learn? Jobs. That's why. The absolute necessity of employment. And now I'm stuck, struggling, hoping to somehow break out, get out. Your geolography and desired mindset are so tightly bound. I'd plant potatoes in West Virginia soil, but preferably not my brain. I don't want to make these thoughts mine.
wknd
Sunday, February 6, 2011
9:28AM
Just got up and still haven't even made it out of bed. Writing this to excuse myself so that I don't spend the whole day freaking out about how behind I am. Today I am supposed to read a novela and 5 academic articles, (long), prepare questions for one of them, and write a short essay on the novela. In addition, I should work out and must plan lessons. So I am feeling under the gun to say the least, and when I get like this it's easy for my mental voice to shift to finger pointing and blame... on myself. But, I have to take this moment to be real about it. Friday just straight up sucked. I was extremely upset due to various reasons and just spent a fair amount of time crying, not doing anything. Saturday, yesterday, was not a bad day- Joe and I went to Drum Circle, he, John, and I ate lunch at Black Bear, and we went to a mini-party at Andy's. BUT... all day I had a miserable headache, and the time in between, between lunch and nighttime, I couldn't do any homework whatsoever. Honestly, if the headache hadn't been so present, I would have probably skipped going to Andy's and just done my reading. But it hurt so bad most of the day that I felt like throwing up. So yeah, I'm definitely behind and probably not going to get it all done this time around. That always stresses me out. Nothing has made me feel stupider than graduate school, and I know a lot of it has to do with how I struggle in Spanish. Still, I want to do well. But I may just have to get up, eat the pancakes and bacon John's in there fixing, get my shower, and just go get done whatever I'm able and try to BS through on that this week. So far this semester, I've read every single little thing I've been assigned, and that's saying something. I definitely am in severe need of Spring Break already. I. need. to. breathe.
But, good things, too... seeing everyone at Andy's last night was really great. I get to missing people. I think I hugged everyone goodbye, lol, which I don't usually do hugs, but why? I enjoyed the conversation and the laughter. A few bottles of Harp didn't hurt anything either.
Drum Circle was lots of fun, much moreso than I expected. But we really got a good jam session on. A little older lady who used to take my fitness classes was there, and she is just absolutely adorable on her drum. She breaks out in a huge smile, closes her eyes, picks up her arms, and starts dancing back and forth. There were six of us, and I am doing my best to badger people into coming next week so that we have a good crowd again. After drumming, I knew I should do some homework, but with the headache also knew I'd never be able to tolerate looking at text, so I suggested we do lunch at Black Bear instead. That was really nice, hadn't been there in awhile and hadn't really talked to Joe in awhile. It's been a few weeks since we've hung out.
So, still there were about 5 hours I could have done homework between eating and ice skating, but I was in so much pain. I just lay down and went to bed. Then there was a terrible wind storm, and I felt the trailer shaking. John and Joe were leaving to play badminton, and to be honest, I was scared to stay home alone in the storm, so I grabbed a swimsuit, and sat in the hot tub just trying not to be in pain anymore. After about 25 minutes and the new dose of ibuprofen setting in, I started to feel better. FINALLY. So we went ice skating as planned. Carly joined us, so we were four. That was fun. My former yoga instructor was there, and of course she is amazing on the ice. Always in teacher mode, she tried to teach Carly and me how to skate backwards. I got the hang of it after a few laps. Just stick your butt out and wiggle basically, lol. I would feel more comfortable going fast if the rink wasn't so crowded.
Okkkkkk... time to get out of this bed, eat breakfast, and get on with the work I know I'm not going to finish. Here's to being calm about that. Cheers.
9:28AM
Just got up and still haven't even made it out of bed. Writing this to excuse myself so that I don't spend the whole day freaking out about how behind I am. Today I am supposed to read a novela and 5 academic articles, (long), prepare questions for one of them, and write a short essay on the novela. In addition, I should work out and must plan lessons. So I am feeling under the gun to say the least, and when I get like this it's easy for my mental voice to shift to finger pointing and blame... on myself. But, I have to take this moment to be real about it. Friday just straight up sucked. I was extremely upset due to various reasons and just spent a fair amount of time crying, not doing anything. Saturday, yesterday, was not a bad day- Joe and I went to Drum Circle, he, John, and I ate lunch at Black Bear, and we went to a mini-party at Andy's. BUT... all day I had a miserable headache, and the time in between, between lunch and nighttime, I couldn't do any homework whatsoever. Honestly, if the headache hadn't been so present, I would have probably skipped going to Andy's and just done my reading. But it hurt so bad most of the day that I felt like throwing up. So yeah, I'm definitely behind and probably not going to get it all done this time around. That always stresses me out. Nothing has made me feel stupider than graduate school, and I know a lot of it has to do with how I struggle in Spanish. Still, I want to do well. But I may just have to get up, eat the pancakes and bacon John's in there fixing, get my shower, and just go get done whatever I'm able and try to BS through on that this week. So far this semester, I've read every single little thing I've been assigned, and that's saying something. I definitely am in severe need of Spring Break already. I. need. to. breathe.
But, good things, too... seeing everyone at Andy's last night was really great. I get to missing people. I think I hugged everyone goodbye, lol, which I don't usually do hugs, but why? I enjoyed the conversation and the laughter. A few bottles of Harp didn't hurt anything either.
Drum Circle was lots of fun, much moreso than I expected. But we really got a good jam session on. A little older lady who used to take my fitness classes was there, and she is just absolutely adorable on her drum. She breaks out in a huge smile, closes her eyes, picks up her arms, and starts dancing back and forth. There were six of us, and I am doing my best to badger people into coming next week so that we have a good crowd again. After drumming, I knew I should do some homework, but with the headache also knew I'd never be able to tolerate looking at text, so I suggested we do lunch at Black Bear instead. That was really nice, hadn't been there in awhile and hadn't really talked to Joe in awhile. It's been a few weeks since we've hung out.
So, still there were about 5 hours I could have done homework between eating and ice skating, but I was in so much pain. I just lay down and went to bed. Then there was a terrible wind storm, and I felt the trailer shaking. John and Joe were leaving to play badminton, and to be honest, I was scared to stay home alone in the storm, so I grabbed a swimsuit, and sat in the hot tub just trying not to be in pain anymore. After about 25 minutes and the new dose of ibuprofen setting in, I started to feel better. FINALLY. So we went ice skating as planned. Carly joined us, so we were four. That was fun. My former yoga instructor was there, and of course she is amazing on the ice. Always in teacher mode, she tried to teach Carly and me how to skate backwards. I got the hang of it after a few laps. Just stick your butt out and wiggle basically, lol. I would feel more comfortable going fast if the rink wasn't so crowded.
Okkkkkk... time to get out of this bed, eat breakfast, and get on with the work I know I'm not going to finish. Here's to being calm about that. Cheers.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Eh...
Friday, February 4, 2011
10:08PM
Sittin' here waitin' for a call or a text that will let me know it's time to go out. Sometimes it'd be nice to live down town or just be roommates with someone from the department. This living up here, having to get dropped off, text to find people is a nuisance.
Got a haircut today. I'll probably never let it grow out. I liked long hair, but now it's just a bother.
Eh, I dk what to write about. Wish John liked to go out with me sometimes. It's like there's this whole other side of me he can't get to know after five years, because it's always someone else I'm cuttin' up with. I kinda hate that, because I like myself much better when I'm free. Believe it or not, I can actually be a lot of fun. Inhibitions are easily set aside when the setting is appropriate. ft that's what I go to do, that's what I do. Bleh.
Joe and I are planning to go to a drum circle tomorrow, hoping to maybe ice skate in the evening, go to Maureen's show on Sun, so it's gonna be a hoppin' weekend, and I have plenty of homework to do on the side. It needs to be Spring Break already, or, more accurately, I need it to be Spring Break already.
10:08PM
Sittin' here waitin' for a call or a text that will let me know it's time to go out. Sometimes it'd be nice to live down town or just be roommates with someone from the department. This living up here, having to get dropped off, text to find people is a nuisance.
Got a haircut today. I'll probably never let it grow out. I liked long hair, but now it's just a bother.
Eh, I dk what to write about. Wish John liked to go out with me sometimes. It's like there's this whole other side of me he can't get to know after five years, because it's always someone else I'm cuttin' up with. I kinda hate that, because I like myself much better when I'm free. Believe it or not, I can actually be a lot of fun. Inhibitions are easily set aside when the setting is appropriate. ft that's what I go to do, that's what I do. Bleh.
Joe and I are planning to go to a drum circle tomorrow, hoping to maybe ice skate in the evening, go to Maureen's show on Sun, so it's gonna be a hoppin' weekend, and I have plenty of homework to do on the side. It needs to be Spring Break already, or, more accurately, I need it to be Spring Break already.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Existes tu?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
8:14PM
Ughhh...
Again with the questions theme and open-mindedness. Me vuelve LOQUISISIMO cuando algunos cerran sus cerebros y deciden que todas las otras ideas y opiniones son estupidas, mas cuando sus propias son RIDICULOS!!! Erg...
I'm just sayin'... how can you live in the 21st century and NOT believe in evolution? Evolution isn't a belief. It's science. It's like, here, here are all these reasons, and they're like... eh, nah. Evolution is silly. Do they KNOW how stupid they sound?
My students this semester are doing well. They have good attitudes and don't seem to struggle with the material. So that's a good thing.
I really enjoyed my Span 653 class tonight, even as it broke my heart. Let's see if I can make this intelligible... We were discussing a novela, Noches lugubres, escrito por el Jose Donoso. We talked about how it was a classic piece of work from Romanticism, although it was written before its time. Donoso refused to publish it during his life, because allegedly it was autobiographical... and what an autobiography it was! Guy fell in love with an actress, who died, and so he wanted to exhume her. I think he did it. He wanted to kill himself to be with her. We talked about how, nowadays it's ok to discuss things like suicide, digging up a body, being that in love. At the time, though, it was just breaking the law, suicide was a crime that sent you straight to hell, and it wasn't "being in love," it was "being disgusting and over-sexed." So that's sad. So when he wrote it, he knew it wouldn't be well received so he didn't try to publish it. So to give that context, we talked about the basic concept of communication (I don't know this in English): hay un emisor, un mensaje, y el receptor. Y cuando escribimos, lo hacemos con un receptor en la mente, y si no hay receptor, quien cambia el emisor y vis a vis, pues, el emisor tambien desaparece. Me causo pensar en la imagen de la infinidad, una curva arriba a hasta punto en el centro donde los dados se encuentran. A veces he pensado en el imagen de la infinidad como dos personas, una a un lado, la otra al otro. Y es un intercambio que nunca termina hasta que una de las personas rompen la connecion. Despues, no hay mas comunicacion. Pues, lo entiendo eso muy bien, pero hoy... cuando el profesor borro el "receptor" y despues el "emisor," me entendi que si uno o otro desaparece, no hay mas que el mensaje... pero el mensaje no puede existir tampoco. Si una en una buena relacion sale, no es solamente que parra la relacion sino que causa un parte de su misma y un parte de la otra desaparecer... por siempre. Entonces, si tienes una amiga con quien compartes muchisimo, quizas, todo... y la relacion esta rota, que puedes hacer aparte de desaparecer? Un parte de tu misma va a morrir, y no hay nada que puedes hacer para salvarlo. Pero, a veces... supongo que es mejor morrir rapidamente que despacio, y quizas puedes renacer como algo mas... diferente... mas colorida y vibrante... quizas puedes estar resucitada de otra manera. Esta nueva tu... vas a querer decir alguien quien estas hoy. Pero... la otra esta desaparecida. No hay nadie decir. Existes tu?
8:14PM
Ughhh...
Again with the questions theme and open-mindedness. Me vuelve LOQUISISIMO cuando algunos cerran sus cerebros y deciden que todas las otras ideas y opiniones son estupidas, mas cuando sus propias son RIDICULOS!!! Erg...
I'm just sayin'... how can you live in the 21st century and NOT believe in evolution? Evolution isn't a belief. It's science. It's like, here, here are all these reasons, and they're like... eh, nah. Evolution is silly. Do they KNOW how stupid they sound?
My students this semester are doing well. They have good attitudes and don't seem to struggle with the material. So that's a good thing.
I really enjoyed my Span 653 class tonight, even as it broke my heart. Let's see if I can make this intelligible... We were discussing a novela, Noches lugubres, escrito por el Jose Donoso. We talked about how it was a classic piece of work from Romanticism, although it was written before its time. Donoso refused to publish it during his life, because allegedly it was autobiographical... and what an autobiography it was! Guy fell in love with an actress, who died, and so he wanted to exhume her. I think he did it. He wanted to kill himself to be with her. We talked about how, nowadays it's ok to discuss things like suicide, digging up a body, being that in love. At the time, though, it was just breaking the law, suicide was a crime that sent you straight to hell, and it wasn't "being in love," it was "being disgusting and over-sexed." So that's sad. So when he wrote it, he knew it wouldn't be well received so he didn't try to publish it. So to give that context, we talked about the basic concept of communication (I don't know this in English): hay un emisor, un mensaje, y el receptor. Y cuando escribimos, lo hacemos con un receptor en la mente, y si no hay receptor, quien cambia el emisor y vis a vis, pues, el emisor tambien desaparece. Me causo pensar en la imagen de la infinidad, una curva arriba a hasta punto en el centro donde los dados se encuentran. A veces he pensado en el imagen de la infinidad como dos personas, una a un lado, la otra al otro. Y es un intercambio que nunca termina hasta que una de las personas rompen la connecion. Despues, no hay mas comunicacion. Pues, lo entiendo eso muy bien, pero hoy... cuando el profesor borro el "receptor" y despues el "emisor," me entendi que si uno o otro desaparece, no hay mas que el mensaje... pero el mensaje no puede existir tampoco. Si una en una buena relacion sale, no es solamente que parra la relacion sino que causa un parte de su misma y un parte de la otra desaparecer... por siempre. Entonces, si tienes una amiga con quien compartes muchisimo, quizas, todo... y la relacion esta rota, que puedes hacer aparte de desaparecer? Un parte de tu misma va a morrir, y no hay nada que puedes hacer para salvarlo. Pero, a veces... supongo que es mejor morrir rapidamente que despacio, y quizas puedes renacer como algo mas... diferente... mas colorida y vibrante... quizas puedes estar resucitada de otra manera. Esta nueva tu... vas a querer decir alguien quien estas hoy. Pero... la otra esta desaparecida. No hay nadie decir. Existes tu?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Questions, Fitness, Sor Juana
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
10:32PM
So I should absolutely be finishing up my reading of Sor Juana right now instead of writing this, but I'm procrastinating, and when I find myself procrastinating for any length of time, it's usually an indicator that I have something else on my mind. Don't know what that is exactly right now, probably just a desire to be with my own mind for a little while. You never really know what that means until every moment of every day is occupied with someone else's thoughts, ie graduate school and pouring in everything from professors and authors, never time for something like this.
So I was thinking rather generally about blogs today, why people keep them, what they intend to accomplish. It occurs to me that it's strange, my particular brand of blog, which is basically a personal journal, mildly edited for public viewing. Most people seem to pick a topic and write about it, but I feel that would be so wrong for me. It's like in anything I've ever done... writing, art, piano, dance... I never settle on a style for anything. Writing- one day I'll be into abstract, spiritual, mystic musings, and the next it'll be some smart-ass rhymy bit or some far-fetched bilingual something or other. Art... I'll do anything, abstract, realism, paint, chalk, oils, as long as it's not a boring pencil and paper. I like being able to change, and I feel like if I were to start a blog about gardening, for example, and say, hello, this blog is going to be about gardening, I could never write about... cooking, or relationships. Life changes daily, and I like to talk about it all... so long as that's in writing, lol.
Today I'm thinking about... questions, physical fitness related stuff, and the awesomeness of Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz.
#1 Questions- I find myself irritated frequently. It seems to me we should all be asking a lot more questions and asserting a lot fewer definitives. As my lovely Indigo Girls say, "There's more than one answer to these questions, pointing in a crooked line, and the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." I am not surprised I don't want to talk more than I do; people always already have the answer. And the admission of a question reflects not a desire to learn, but a lack of knowledge... stupidity. I'll value curiosity 'til the day I die and maintain that it keeps us young. It's just... it would be lovely to have conversations with people, say hey, here's the 5 different ways I see it, instead of just, this is how I see it. Why CAN'T I think multiple, possibly contradictory things at the same time? Why does that need to cause people aggravation? I feel the aggravation stems from not wanting to feel confused, but if we're honest with ourselves, we have no way of being certain of really... anything. So, I want to hear your questions. I want to answer in questions. How would that be? If you could ask anything and not have an answer, just infinite space for the blooming of your curiosity? What if you're a flower, and you erupt into a space you're comfortable with, and the sun comes to you on its own? What if you could grow in your own good time, in your own perfect beauty? Wouldn't it be lovely?
#2- Fitness stuff- So I signed up for this Physique 7 at the Rec Center, which is a seven-week program to help you make a fitness transformation. I signed up, why I'm not really sure. I was hoping to have a reliable spotter and someone to push me in the person of the trainer. I never have a spot. Guess what, most women don't like to lift the way I do, or maybe they think they shouldn't. And John doesn't lift either, so I have no partner. I stop shy on everything, because I'm afraid I'm going to drop the bar on my face or have a back spasm and not get back up. But the trainer wanted me to do light weights, high reps of everything. I said that's not what I was looking to do. I'm hoping that when I go back, he'll have revised the routine instead of insisting I should go for muscular endurance over raw strength. My endurance is excellent. I swam 30 laps non-stop tonight, and if that's not testing muscular and cardiovascular endurance at the same time, I don't know what is. It seems sexist. He sees a girl, he assigns high reps and plenty of cardio in between. I am not looking to lose weight. Put some damn muscle on me! I also decided I might benefit from the nutritional advice by turning in nutrition logs once a week. The response I got on my three logged days made me laugh more than anything, and then it bugged me. I know where I need to tweak some things, but at the same time, I know the world isn't going to fall apart if I don't change them. Again, I'm not looking to lose weight. I'm just looking to eat for health. I wrote that I had a BigMac, and I still say it's fine to have one once in awhile. But it just said "No" in all caps and red. Some of the language was pretty derogatory. I think that happens in fitness sometimes. I don't feel any guilt over what I eat; I'm looking for health advice. It was interesting, I thought, which things were emphasized. "That will be stored as fat." "If you eat junky food, it will show in your skin, nails, and body." I don't feel my body is something to be punished or made villainous. It does a good job for me, and I love it. I think so often we think of diet and exercise as tools to lose weight and fat, and it should be about so much more. If you really want to focus on numbers, how about blood lipids, blood pressure, resting heart rate- to me, those are much better indicators of health. When I wake up, still lying in bed, my heart rate is about 50. It used to be around 80 or 90. That's my improvement. I have developed a fairly massive stroke volume, and so my heart doesn't have to work quite so hard. I feel these sorts of things need to be emphasized more. I guess for as long as I've really been involved in fitness, it's been my opinion that it's something you do to feel good, be healthy, make yourself stronger, not something you should do because you're punishing yourself. Every time I have a fitness student tell me they need to lose "30 pounds" as they rub their stomachs, it breaks my heart. I say, "That's a lot to lose in such a short time, it might be healthier to do less." But they think that by beating themselves to a pulp for 3-6 months, they're going to do it . THEN they're going to be better people, I guess. I don't know. It makes me sad. Love your body, love yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, do it because it's good for you and makes you lose that sluggish feeling, not because you think you need to look a certain way. ergggg... this will always irritate me limitlessly, and I suppose I'll write about it several more times.
#3 Sor Juana- I'm losing steam by this point, but I'm reading her stuff right now for Garcia's class. I have to present questions on it next Monday, and I'm glad she is one of my topics. I absolutely love her. Her word play is unimaginably witty, and what I'm reading now is a response to something another "sister" wrote to her, condemning her non-religious writings, her unholy fascination with knowledge in general- science, math. As a nun, this other "sister" told her, she should be writing about God. Sor Juana knew who wrote the letter and that it was a religious man tricking her. She responded as if she hadn't the faintest, and "apologized" for her writings in such a way that it was impossible for the reader to do anything but admire why she wanted to learn, etc. She was brilliant, absolutely brilliant, and a rebel. The way she thought on things is they way I've often wished everyone would think about things... ask your questions, look for answers but don't arrive at them to soon, you may be stopping short. Any time I've had to read her for school, I've felt so... non-alone, like somewhere, sometime, there was a woman who thought like I do, albeit she was about a billion times more intelligent. I would have loved to have met her, spent the night in her convent astrolab, have her teach me about the stars and what she really thought about God, which is so unclear in her writings. She says stuff about God, but when she's talking about God, her tone is so different, her rhetoric is gone. It's like, here, I believe, and probably her readers accepted that, even though she seemed to write it only out of necessity. Many consider her to be the first feminist. I loved her villancicos when I read them a couple years ago. She seemed to write women into divinity, in places they weren't supposed to be, and I thought that was so revolutionary and amazing, defiant, for her time and place.
Anyway, I kinda want to get back to her now and wind down for the night. Peace. Blessings.
10:32PM
So I should absolutely be finishing up my reading of Sor Juana right now instead of writing this, but I'm procrastinating, and when I find myself procrastinating for any length of time, it's usually an indicator that I have something else on my mind. Don't know what that is exactly right now, probably just a desire to be with my own mind for a little while. You never really know what that means until every moment of every day is occupied with someone else's thoughts, ie graduate school and pouring in everything from professors and authors, never time for something like this.
So I was thinking rather generally about blogs today, why people keep them, what they intend to accomplish. It occurs to me that it's strange, my particular brand of blog, which is basically a personal journal, mildly edited for public viewing. Most people seem to pick a topic and write about it, but I feel that would be so wrong for me. It's like in anything I've ever done... writing, art, piano, dance... I never settle on a style for anything. Writing- one day I'll be into abstract, spiritual, mystic musings, and the next it'll be some smart-ass rhymy bit or some far-fetched bilingual something or other. Art... I'll do anything, abstract, realism, paint, chalk, oils, as long as it's not a boring pencil and paper. I like being able to change, and I feel like if I were to start a blog about gardening, for example, and say, hello, this blog is going to be about gardening, I could never write about... cooking, or relationships. Life changes daily, and I like to talk about it all... so long as that's in writing, lol.
Today I'm thinking about... questions, physical fitness related stuff, and the awesomeness of Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz.
#1 Questions- I find myself irritated frequently. It seems to me we should all be asking a lot more questions and asserting a lot fewer definitives. As my lovely Indigo Girls say, "There's more than one answer to these questions, pointing in a crooked line, and the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." I am not surprised I don't want to talk more than I do; people always already have the answer. And the admission of a question reflects not a desire to learn, but a lack of knowledge... stupidity. I'll value curiosity 'til the day I die and maintain that it keeps us young. It's just... it would be lovely to have conversations with people, say hey, here's the 5 different ways I see it, instead of just, this is how I see it. Why CAN'T I think multiple, possibly contradictory things at the same time? Why does that need to cause people aggravation? I feel the aggravation stems from not wanting to feel confused, but if we're honest with ourselves, we have no way of being certain of really... anything. So, I want to hear your questions. I want to answer in questions. How would that be? If you could ask anything and not have an answer, just infinite space for the blooming of your curiosity? What if you're a flower, and you erupt into a space you're comfortable with, and the sun comes to you on its own? What if you could grow in your own good time, in your own perfect beauty? Wouldn't it be lovely?
#2- Fitness stuff- So I signed up for this Physique 7 at the Rec Center, which is a seven-week program to help you make a fitness transformation. I signed up, why I'm not really sure. I was hoping to have a reliable spotter and someone to push me in the person of the trainer. I never have a spot. Guess what, most women don't like to lift the way I do, or maybe they think they shouldn't. And John doesn't lift either, so I have no partner. I stop shy on everything, because I'm afraid I'm going to drop the bar on my face or have a back spasm and not get back up. But the trainer wanted me to do light weights, high reps of everything. I said that's not what I was looking to do. I'm hoping that when I go back, he'll have revised the routine instead of insisting I should go for muscular endurance over raw strength. My endurance is excellent. I swam 30 laps non-stop tonight, and if that's not testing muscular and cardiovascular endurance at the same time, I don't know what is. It seems sexist. He sees a girl, he assigns high reps and plenty of cardio in between. I am not looking to lose weight. Put some damn muscle on me! I also decided I might benefit from the nutritional advice by turning in nutrition logs once a week. The response I got on my three logged days made me laugh more than anything, and then it bugged me. I know where I need to tweak some things, but at the same time, I know the world isn't going to fall apart if I don't change them. Again, I'm not looking to lose weight. I'm just looking to eat for health. I wrote that I had a BigMac, and I still say it's fine to have one once in awhile. But it just said "No" in all caps and red. Some of the language was pretty derogatory. I think that happens in fitness sometimes. I don't feel any guilt over what I eat; I'm looking for health advice. It was interesting, I thought, which things were emphasized. "That will be stored as fat." "If you eat junky food, it will show in your skin, nails, and body." I don't feel my body is something to be punished or made villainous. It does a good job for me, and I love it. I think so often we think of diet and exercise as tools to lose weight and fat, and it should be about so much more. If you really want to focus on numbers, how about blood lipids, blood pressure, resting heart rate- to me, those are much better indicators of health. When I wake up, still lying in bed, my heart rate is about 50. It used to be around 80 or 90. That's my improvement. I have developed a fairly massive stroke volume, and so my heart doesn't have to work quite so hard. I feel these sorts of things need to be emphasized more. I guess for as long as I've really been involved in fitness, it's been my opinion that it's something you do to feel good, be healthy, make yourself stronger, not something you should do because you're punishing yourself. Every time I have a fitness student tell me they need to lose "30 pounds" as they rub their stomachs, it breaks my heart. I say, "That's a lot to lose in such a short time, it might be healthier to do less." But they think that by beating themselves to a pulp for 3-6 months, they're going to do it . THEN they're going to be better people, I guess. I don't know. It makes me sad. Love your body, love yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, do it because it's good for you and makes you lose that sluggish feeling, not because you think you need to look a certain way. ergggg... this will always irritate me limitlessly, and I suppose I'll write about it several more times.
#3 Sor Juana- I'm losing steam by this point, but I'm reading her stuff right now for Garcia's class. I have to present questions on it next Monday, and I'm glad she is one of my topics. I absolutely love her. Her word play is unimaginably witty, and what I'm reading now is a response to something another "sister" wrote to her, condemning her non-religious writings, her unholy fascination with knowledge in general- science, math. As a nun, this other "sister" told her, she should be writing about God. Sor Juana knew who wrote the letter and that it was a religious man tricking her. She responded as if she hadn't the faintest, and "apologized" for her writings in such a way that it was impossible for the reader to do anything but admire why she wanted to learn, etc. She was brilliant, absolutely brilliant, and a rebel. The way she thought on things is they way I've often wished everyone would think about things... ask your questions, look for answers but don't arrive at them to soon, you may be stopping short. Any time I've had to read her for school, I've felt so... non-alone, like somewhere, sometime, there was a woman who thought like I do, albeit she was about a billion times more intelligent. I would have loved to have met her, spent the night in her convent astrolab, have her teach me about the stars and what she really thought about God, which is so unclear in her writings. She says stuff about God, but when she's talking about God, her tone is so different, her rhetoric is gone. It's like, here, I believe, and probably her readers accepted that, even though she seemed to write it only out of necessity. Many consider her to be the first feminist. I loved her villancicos when I read them a couple years ago. She seemed to write women into divinity, in places they weren't supposed to be, and I thought that was so revolutionary and amazing, defiant, for her time and place.
Anyway, I kinda want to get back to her now and wind down for the night. Peace. Blessings.
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