Flat

Monday, January 31, 2011
7:34PM

Someone said something today that sort of struck a chord with me, frankly irritated me. Someone called me "flat." John taught me something about rivers recently, specifically the Ohio River. He told me that the Ohio River flows faster than any mountain stream, which I refuted vehemently because it's just not what I "see." But it's true, that river that I used to run to in order to watch the fog lift off, despite how smooth it looks on top, below, en la oscura profundida, it's moving tempestuously.

I've withdrawn, sure, and despite the fact that some people want to call that a "symptom," I think it's good to withdraw from time to time. Maybe we're arguing terms here. Maybe I say "withdraw" but mean "retreat," or vice versa. All I know is, that when you pull away and go silent for religious or spiritual reasons as part on an established religious or spiritual group, it's perceived as holy, admirable, but when you do it alone, it seems just... strange. Something wrong with you. But my withdraw has been great for me.

I've traveled back inside. I have learned again what it means to "touch" music. Music is an animal, with claws and soft fur that can envelop you or claw your eyes out. Some art vibrates because of the intention behind it, whether or not it's aesthetically pleasing. Of course it's hard for me to work up white, foamy waves on my exterior. I'm pulsating out of control down below, in the greatest release of my life, coursing invisibly between mountains and sky.

It seems at times in my classes that my classmates, professors, think I'm thought-less. Sin pensamiento. No soy. It's that I read something and go immediately to the universal with it. These details don't interest me, although I acknowledge their importance. It's just not in the details where I lie. Everything dissolves. Everything is absorbed. Ultimately, it's all forgivable, no matter how much we vainly hold onto the contrary to justify our own hurt. Let it go. Watch the wind sweep sand from your fingertips. Lie down, let ocean waves wash over you, pull parts of you, dead skin cells, back out to her center. You always were and never have been. Let it go.