2011, I welcome you.

Saturday, January 1, 2011
5:56pm

I have a feeling this is going to be a good year. I plan to make it so. I've laid down the groundwork, and while I will have to continue doing the work, things are set up well, I think. Specifically, I've been working with my self the last couple months. Without realizing, I sort of put myself on the back burner in certain situations which led to some resentment, depression, and feelings of neglect. Most of the decisions I was making, I did with other people in mind, which is fine, it's great, but not when you forget you're withering away, too. And this year, I'm going to do anything but whither. I'm going to get stronger and better, with four main goals. That's a lot of goals, and I've frequently been a scoffer at resolutions and excessive goal-setting, but how can you get what you want if you don't put it out there in the universe that you do want it? So the four goals are as follows:

1. The ability to do 100 push-ups in a row.
2. Find something that works for my back pain.
3. Get myself abroad this summer.
4. Be me, be proud of that, and don't back off.

First with #1- 100 push-ups? This is my simplest goal, seemingly without a purpose, and probably the most easily achievable. But I have my reasons: 1) Having been involved in fitness on a daily basis for as long as I have been, it's easy to lose interest without goals. You have to have these little challenges to keep yourself motivated. 2) Physical strength transfers mentally to overall personal strength for me. I'm not sure why it's quite like this for me, but I do know I used to be very weak and unfit, and I couldn't keep up with my peers in such simple things as gym class or just hiking, carrying my own things, etc. I felt this marked me as weak. In a school dominated by athletic pursuits, this made me a target for jibes. Increasing my physical strength these past several years has been more to me than that. It's been taking myself and saying, I'm just strong as any of you, stronger even, and you can't make me weak just by saying so. To me, push-ups are difficult. I'm not predisposed to that particular exercise- my shoulder stabilization is off, my lower back is weak so I cave in... if I can do 100 push-ups, I will feel very strong.

#2- Back pain. I considered saying "fuck it" to this one as I've become resigned to it. Every day I wake up in pain. I wiggle it out little by little throughout the day, and depending on activity, I feel it almost always. I don't know what else to try. I've done the yoga thing, gave up after it stopped helping anymore. Exercise generally helps me the most. If I miss a day, I know it. I'll have to find something else, because I'm tired of popping ibuprofens. I watch my grandma with her cirrhosis and don't want to go that route unnecessarily myself. For now, I guess I'm going back to yoga and meditation until I find something else I might be able to try. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. This is why this one is tough, I don't have a real plan. But I'm putting it out there to the universe.

#3- Abroad for the summer. This is important for my career and personal development. My whole life I've wanted to travel, experience other cultures, especially in Latin America. This traveling will almost certainly require taking out a loan, but it's justifiable. Not being a native Spanish-speaker, I need the work with the language. And in my field, it really is a resume-builder. It says I have sensitivity to other cultures, a willingness to travel, experience with the Spanish language, and the drive to make it happen. So I'm going to have to let go of the nervousness about going alone and taking the loan to do it. I want to have this in place by February. This is a difficult one to make happen, it involves financial risk and sacrifice as well as personal risk. Relationships in the meantime? The anxiety of being somewhere alone? But I've gone in groups, and there's no way I can get someone to come with me by this summer. John's working on his thesis, and while others may say they want to go, I can't envision someone else getting on board in time to put in the research and get it going by this summer. I've got this one life, and my passport is still valid. It's time to fly.

#4- Be me. This is the most challenging of all. To make this make more sense, I was an extremely extroverted child. I made friends with all the other kids in the hotel pool every summer at the beach. At North Bend, I always had some new friend to ride bikes with. I'd say whatever to whomever with no regard to situation. Somewhere along the line, that changed. I became nervous, shy, terrified to be myself, expose myself, even though everyone else and even I thought I was still being outgoing. But I held so much in myself in reserve, safely away from criticism and rejection. They were parts I didn't know I was keeping back- my spirituality for one. That's a big one, really. It became impossible to talk about it frankly, say I experienced this or that, I think this or that, because I could never find someone whose thoughts matched mine and very few who were willing to talk about it. Personal emotions and thoughts were held back, they might show up in a poem here or there, I might share a few in writing only, but to say the things that those poems held, to a real person... impossible. I've frequently felt I'm letting people down. With ridiculous things. Like when I'm home... doing my homework or my workouts... these have seemed to me to be downright transgressions because I could/should be spending my time visiting/whatever. I can't name all the situations in which I have felt that being me, doing the things I need and want to do is problematic in some way or another, either letting someone down, or making me downright unlikable. But I have to let that go. I'm not waiting for people to accept me anymore. I accept myself, and if you can't accept me back, then it's me rejecting you now. I'm not going to narcissism here, but I am taking care of my self and my heart. This will be the most difficult one to achieve, I suppose I'll write some of my struggles with it here.

Overall, I think I have a lot to look forward to this year. I'm going to get stronger and expand my being. I'm not shrinking, only growing. So 2011, I'm ready for you if you're ready for me.