Flat

Monday, January 31, 2011
7:34PM

Someone said something today that sort of struck a chord with me, frankly irritated me. Someone called me "flat." John taught me something about rivers recently, specifically the Ohio River. He told me that the Ohio River flows faster than any mountain stream, which I refuted vehemently because it's just not what I "see." But it's true, that river that I used to run to in order to watch the fog lift off, despite how smooth it looks on top, below, en la oscura profundida, it's moving tempestuously.

I've withdrawn, sure, and despite the fact that some people want to call that a "symptom," I think it's good to withdraw from time to time. Maybe we're arguing terms here. Maybe I say "withdraw" but mean "retreat," or vice versa. All I know is, that when you pull away and go silent for religious or spiritual reasons as part on an established religious or spiritual group, it's perceived as holy, admirable, but when you do it alone, it seems just... strange. Something wrong with you. But my withdraw has been great for me.

I've traveled back inside. I have learned again what it means to "touch" music. Music is an animal, with claws and soft fur that can envelop you or claw your eyes out. Some art vibrates because of the intention behind it, whether or not it's aesthetically pleasing. Of course it's hard for me to work up white, foamy waves on my exterior. I'm pulsating out of control down below, in the greatest release of my life, coursing invisibly between mountains and sky.

It seems at times in my classes that my classmates, professors, think I'm thought-less. Sin pensamiento. No soy. It's that I read something and go immediately to the universal with it. These details don't interest me, although I acknowledge their importance. It's just not in the details where I lie. Everything dissolves. Everything is absorbed. Ultimately, it's all forgivable, no matter how much we vainly hold onto the contrary to justify our own hurt. Let it go. Watch the wind sweep sand from your fingertips. Lie down, let ocean waves wash over you, pull parts of you, dead skin cells, back out to her center. You always were and never have been. Let it go.

Bilingual breakdown

It's just that... Everything is in every thing. Es en la arte como en las ciencias, en la música como en la literatura y estoy casi cerca a pedir mi mente enteramente y por la última vez.

Él me dijo, parece que ustedes hablan la misma lenguaje, pero ¿Qué más hay?

¿QUÉ MÁS HAY, QUÉ MÁS HAY? ¿ESTÁS REALMENTE PREGUNTANDOME QUÉ MÁS HAY?

Yo no hablo la misma lenguaje con alguien. Para mí, no es pequeña cosa hablar la misma lenguaje. Estoy capaz de disculpar alguien cualquier pecado si solamente pueden entender las palabras veniendo de mi boca. No necesitan entenderme como yo, solamente mis palabras para que yo sé que no estoy hablando una idioma de extraterrestrios.

I had one such a run in today with someone who speaks a different "l"anguage with a little l than I do. OK, fine. Our tongues are different, but is it really possible that I say "worm" for example, and you hear "butternut squash?" J.H.C.A. And for crying out loud, don't be MEAN, RUDE, when you don't understand what I'm saying. I'm not talking about a misunderstanding on the literal level. Literally, I got it across. I am just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of saying things and people looking at me like I'm crazy.

Things matter to me. Everyone has something that matters to them, a lover, a friend, a group. This things are all... good. But what matters more to me is answers, understanding. And I just become downright furious when someone treats me like I'm dumb for asking questions. Don't tell me I'm dumb, just think. I get so discouraged when no one wants to think. This is grad school. It's too much work if all you want is your name on a piece of paper that says you have a master's degree. I don't understand why anyone would go through this if they don't have questions. So yeah, speak my Language, and I'll forgive you anything. Too bad this is excessively true.

I need some crayons... or my drum. Alcohol? Stuff to do tomorrow.

My rose

Friday, January 21, 2011
11:07PM

Sitting down here to watch Up with John "on demand." I'm not sure that's either of our type of movie, but what else are we going to do on a Friday night? We went to Pizza Hut for dinner. I was still wearing the cardigan over a button up, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked like I was forty years old.

This am (italics is messed up and will not turn off...) I wanted to go swimming at the Rec, but because of the snow, I decided it was safer to give the road workers a few more hours to clear the streets. I stayed in and did yoga instead. Sometimes Shiva Rea gets a little out there for me... don't get me wrong, I'm into the spiritual aspect, I just don't think I need to stick my tongue out and grunt to get at that aspect. That just makes me feel odd. But I did enjoy... sort of... the first meditation. You were supposed to visualize a flower at heart center and pull it up to third eye. That was fine, relaxing. My flower was immediately a white and yellow rose in full bloom. Then you were directed to visualize yourself in a river and to give your flower as a gift to everything... I tried and then before I could see anything else just started weeping. The universe did not want my flower, my gift, me. That's just generally how I've felt lately, like I have things to give to people and the world but that... are not accepted, and that hurts ridiculously.

My mom called me up a few weeks ago with some personality test thing she'd taken for school and wanted to know what my results were in comparison... I'd done that very test a few months prior and come up INTJ, which according to the results constitutes only a very bizarre 1% of the population. My mother went on to say how strange it was that I started out the extrovert and Carly the introvert and how it had changed. And she was hyper-interested, wondering why that happened, and I sort of just muttered, well... I think it was gradual. I so many times just came to people with everything I am, think, and feel, and as many times was rejected. So I stopped. She went on to say some interesting things about herself, which I'll not disclose her with the potential for others to read... but I think I always knew that. As a kid, I knew no strangers. Every summer we'd go on vacation, and I made friends with every single other child in the hotel. I had a new friend every day on the beach. I asked kids for their addresses. I wrote them letters. People fascinated me. I talked to everyone. Gradually, for various reasons, that changed.

Last night I was playing piano, singing a song that has had me baffled awhile. Suddenly, I got it. No conflict. It was what it was, and I sang as tears streamed down my face. It was fine, great, impossible. Some things are. And that sort of came back to me this morning in my meditation... I have me, myself, whatever gifts I might possess, in my mind I see this rose, and I've wanted so much to love and give myself to others. To me, five, six years ago, that would have been invariably a good thing, but as I felt more and more rejection through the years, I came to think that whatever I had originally thought I could offer was no more than malignancy to anyone else. I don't feel like going into a lot of details since I'm online... this is just quicker and easier than writing things out, so I'm more likely to do it on here. Anyflip... so it's been an issue trying to reconvince myself I had anything to offer. Based on the rose I saw in my meditation, I decided to make a picture of one such flower. I was going to hang it over my piano, I had decided... I'll look at it and try to love it and find it acceptable. It was only for me to look at to help myself, which is never a motivation really for my art. Obviously, it comes out of myself always, but this was just... different. I was sitting on the couch tonight, making this flower, kinda happy that I was doing it, sad about what it meant to me, and then John claimed it. He just said, "I want that one." I had to think about it. But in the end I gave it to him with an explanation of what I had made it for and this am's yoga. He said, "We do that a lot with each other." Yeah, I guess. Anyway, it is what it is tonight. My rose is sticky tacked to the wall above his computer.

I suppose

Thursday, January 20, 2011
8:35pm

I don't feel like getting too heady right now, so perhaps I'll just leave it at the facts... perhaps.
Today was my "off" day for the week. I have no on-campus obligations on Thursdays, so I stayed home, read for a couple hours and played piano and did housework this morning. John and I went to the Rec this afternoon. I lifted, he did elliptical. Stopped at Subway, came home to eat. Showered. I've been reading for the last two hours. Brian turning to mush. Not sure why I'm doing this all, but it beats the alternative of just sitting here staring into the abyss. Wish I was buzzed and dancing somewhere right now. I just have so little motivation for anything, which isn't to say that I'm not still getting it all done... i am. i always will. That's what i do. But I kinda feel like just... not. Talked to my gma on the phone today, that was... of course, not pleasant. Never know what to say to her anymore. I suppose it was nice to be home this morning, reading in pajamas, drinking coffee, alone... I suppose.

spontaneity and dumplings

Monday, January 17, 2011
10:49pm

So Maureen just left and John just went to get me earplugs, because apparently there's a lot of loud dripping outside. Maureen coming over was really spontaneous. I mentioned I was cooking, she asked if she could pay me to cook for her, and so I just wound up inviting her to dinner. I made chicken and dumplings today, according to a recipe I hadn't used before, and it actually turned out really good in my opinion. I used various types of chicken, onion, peas, carrots, biscuits, and various flavoring ingredients. I'd never made it before, so I was happy with it. I decided to have a glass of wine with dinner, but we all know how that goes with me... one glass quickly turns into, oh... four. So Maureen and I wound up drawing pictures while she and John played with some noise app on the phones. Then we wound up fiddling around on the piano. I am always so embarrassed to play in front of new people, but I think she understood that. It was just a good, spontaneous evening.

Take me back to the day

Monday, January 17, 2011
10:18am

Just got back from teaching Zumba for the first time in five weeks. I was a little rusty, but overall I think it well. We did a new salsa to a Celia Cruz song, "La vida es un carnaval." That may well be my favorite salsa song of all time- hay, no hay que llorar, la vida es un carnaval y es más bello vivir cantando- Well, I think so. It's more beautiful to live singing, in my opinion, dancing as well. I am having serious dance withdrawal right now. It's really just... bizarre. I had too much fun on Saturday night at Tusca or something. Between alcohol and the music, I was damn near ecstatic. I think I even danced alone for about twenty minutes while Klunk was recovering her wits and energy. I just... did. not. care. And that's part of my whole do me/be me resolution, too. Because... who cares if people look at me like I'm insane? I probably am. I danced with several very, very good male leads. The party in Pittsburgh is smaller than the party in Morgantown, but the dancers there are overall better. There was one woman, I'd say in her fifties. She was effing amazing. I've never seen the likes except in Youtube videos. And she had this long, bright, blonde hair that she just let hang limp, so when she was dancing it spin out the top of her head in circles. Looked cool. I was seriously considering asking her to dance with me just to teach me something. She obviously knew how to lead as she was dancing with several women teaching them stuff. It was like my eyeballs were having epilepsy watching. The one guy I didn't talk to at all... his style was stiff and very much a game. It was fun once I figured that out. The thing about dancing and the power dynamic is that... it's not so much the guy is in control of you. It's like... you're trying to figure it out, and once you learn their rhythm, it's like, hah, see that? It's such a game. I danced with three older men as well. I know that creeps some people out, but I like it. The difference between young men dancers and older men dancers is that the older men have it figured it out. There's definitely no virility suggested in the turns, the way the younger men really almost jerk you about. But they have, by their age, realized how to lead a women with very calm subtleties. Then I danced with a Mexican guy. Then his friend came over, and we danced. He was Dominican, so I refused to speak any English so that I could practice. He was probably my favorite to dance with. He was excellent, and I definitely have respect for any dance partner who can take my gringa ass and actually make me dance. I had such a blast. I realized a little too late that I had spent about four hours dancing in my heels. As the alcohol wore off, I thought my bones might snap. But I smiled and embraced the ache as I saw it the sign of a good time.

It was really good to just get out of Morgantown and be among old friends. Certainly as Camp Tygart alumni we have a certain bond... I guess it's what some people may feel about their high school or college but I never did. It's that... they've also all had children on the side of a mountain and had to make it both safe and fun so that the kids never knew that safety was even an effort. They've all also watched kids' eyes light up when they stare at the fire or the stars on their trail. I think they all get what it means to be able to be a facilitator of putting kids in touch with Divinity and their own divinity in that way, in a way that lets them see and experience things that can't be explained. It has meant everything to me.

I made us spaghetti for dinner on Saturday night, and Catherine made an appetizer out of cucumbers, mozzarella, and tomatoes. We ate dinner with Jessica's roommates in their living room. It was really nice just to prepare a meal and have people to share it with.

Anyway, lots of work to get to. I'm definitely missing Pittsburgh. I miss Klunk, Jenny, and Catherine, and I miss dancing and eating spaghetti. I wish I could go out dancing every night. For me, there is nothing like it. And i know I sound half-nuts in my hyper-estimation of Dance. But... it's a connector for me. Every person can detect a beat because we all operate according to various rhythms even we aren't aware. And then the things that get put in music... it's so human- emotions like love, anger, regret... and a lot of culturally specific stuff. So when you're hearing that and you're among others and moving to it... well, I have always felt closer to God on a dance floor that's really hoppin' than I ever have in any church. There have been times I could almost fall down dead from joy just because of what I'm experiencing in those times. I want to go back!!!

FML

Thursday, January 13, 2010
2:39pm

I am having a bad afternoon. My mom called me when I was walking around in a room with a head full of hair dye to tell me my sister had been in a car accident. She was fine, but I might want to be prepared to go get her soon. Grand. So I plopped my ass in the shower. So cold it hurt then made me numb. I thought I was back in Bolivia, taking freezing showers with nothing but a bar of Dial soap, too cold to waste time on things like washcloths and conditioner. Then it was just so miserably cold I wound up on all fours with my head under the spigot. About this time I realize I forgot the conditioner for the dye. Ugh... we've cut the damn heat back due to the expense of having it truly warm, so I had to trek through the trailer, hair dripping wet, covered in freezing water to get the conditioner. So I'm in the other bathroom, conditioning my hair on hands and knees under the spigot, because there's no way in hell I'm getting back in that shower, and all I can hear is the running of the damn toilet. OMFG. I'm about to have an aneurysm. I thought John was going to do something with it, but with Carly's accident and the hot water heater going bust, I lost my patience today and proceeded to take it apart myself. I just need to screw in the screw that holds the floater in place, but thanks to the infinite genius of those who previously lived here, there's a shelving unit that includes a back support bar so that I can't slide it out OVER the toilet. Nooooo... It has to be either lifted in its awkward, bulky, 60-poundedness up and over the tank... OR... it has to be taken apart piece by piece. Why is this important? Because the lowest shelf of the unit sits so low that I cannot effectively reach a screwdriver underneath it. I tried using tweezers in lieu of a screw driver, but the effectiveness was limited at best. I got fed up with flushing and reflushing the toilet, watching it fill up with water, hoping that THIS TIME the floater would float on up and close the valve. Fuck the toilet. FUCK THE FUCKING TOILET!!! (I feel mildly better.) Try again when John gets home and can lift the shelving unit with me. Yeah, I could take it apart, but that would probably take me clear up until he gets home. I flipped the breaker on the hot water heater. Hoping it just needed reset. There is WARM water now, not hot. So it could either be an element or just that it needed to cycle through a tank before the next one comes out with strong heat. omfg, argggggg... At least it's heating somewhat, so the tank itself doesn't need to be replaced. Still... we've been getting hit really hard lately. Heating this winter has been stupidly expensive since it got cold so early, and all those lovely back-to-school expenses. My lovely department gave us all a 500 dollar bonus. I appreciate that they see the need for that, but that's still not enough to cover the graduate fees at the beginning of the semester. I don't blame the department. I blame fucking WVU. All these fees. My tuition is waived, I feel that these fees should also be waived. I'm not using the PRT, that old, broke-down piece of shit, so why should I have to pay for it? If I have to pay for the Rec Center... whatever, I use it a lot. However- I should be able to take a guest without them having to pay $10.00 if it's going to be that expensive. They call all this shit "free" but it's very expensive, and we never have the opportunity to use most of what we're forced to pay for. But the fees are not optional. You cannot opt out of paying for medical or psychiatric services you don't use, a gym you don't go to, a library you never visit, a PRT you never ride in, buses that are always full. I'm getting pissed. I'm not saying I don't use any of it, but 700 bucks at the beginning of every semester is outrageous. It's about a quarter of our tuition for God's sake! If I could just have hot water and know that we're going to be able to use the toilet, I would calm down. GRRRRRRRR!!!

le grumpy

Tuesday, January 11, 2011
9:45pm

Just finished reading a very long essay by Jose Acosta se llama "La historia moral y natural de los indios" para mi clase ensayistico de la cultura latinoamericana. Tengo que funcionar como un lider de discusion en este ensayo por el proximo... ya en esta primera semana estoy preparando estas cosas tan grandes. Ay. Sorry... I've been hearing and seeing no language other than Spanish today. Obviously that is a lie, but the majority has been Spanish.

I keep feeling like I want to write these damn things and then starting them and finding nothing interesting to talk about. I don't feel like yammering on about how I was on campus all day or have been preparing lesson plans this evening. Bleh.

Went to the rec this am. I swam laps while John played on the elliptical. I am not a morning exerciser by any means but am trying to make the switch this semester for both John's and my sake. Swimming my body was just like, why aren't you still in bed? Where's the rest of my coffee? I want a cookie. I want a Pop-Tart, and I'm all like STFU!!!

Met my new students yesterday, seems OK. I feel like I have some crap to say about how things are going with 101 but since this is public, better not to. Sufficeth to say... things aren't quite right. Just gonna do my best and try to make it the best experience for the most people possible. Have 'em again tomorrow and am gonna teach a few things, discuss the syllabus, and give a quiz on it. Sounds bitchy but it'll a. use time, b. ensure the students are aware that they are responsible for following the damn thing.

Anyway, I guess since we're going to the rec again in the am and so far today I haven't done a damn thing just because I wanted to, I'm going to go play a little piano, stretch, and go to bed.

Watching Desperate

Watching "Desperate Housewives" here on the futon with Carly at the moment. We TAs had our preliminary meeting for the semester today. I don't want to go on too much in public forum, but I am nervous. Things are much less organized this semester, so lucky I have a semester under my belt now. In spite of myself, I'm a little excited to meet my new classes of students. I want to make it a positive experience for the people in my class... if I could figure out what was going on with the textbook, that would be easier to do. My biggest fear is that this thing isn't going to get off the ground, and it's going to be on me.

John and I went to the Rec earlier today, ran into a fellow Zumba instructor. We chatted for a few, and it was nice to catch up. John worked out on the elliptical. I ran a few miles on the treadmill and did some lower body and ab work while he was finishing up.

Yesterday he and I went up to Cooper's Rock and hiked for about an hour through the snow-covered mountains. It was gorgeous and serene. If it wasn't for the cold, I could have stayed out there indefinitely.

Dinner at Olive Garden last night with John and Joe. Ran into a girl I went to high school with and did theatre with as a kid. She's teaching 9th and 10th English now. I guess we're to that age now, lol.

Last few days

Friday, January 7, 2010
1:34pm

I am being so exceptionally lazy today. I am still in my pajamas, John's robe over top, drinking chai. But I gotta soak it up now, because in just two days, my semester starts again with a Sunday night meeting of the Spanish TA's.

Wed. I didn't write because I didn't do much. I cleaned house for about five hours, cooked for two, and did TaeBo. Anyway, the trailer's clean now. Very, very clean.

Yesterday I started off reading one of the essays for the culture class I have next semester. The reading isn't due finished until January 24, but I figured I'd get a head start because for one thing, I should read everything twice being in Spanish, and, also, I can only sit still with nothing to do over break for so long. Right now, I'm very much at my own, relaxed pace. Hopefully, by reading ahead, I can maintain that moreso throughout the semester. I would really love to still be cooking, playing piano, my drum, drawing, and sipping chai in pajamas once the semester starts rolling.

In a way, I am glad for the new semester. As I've said several times, last semester was just rough. So much to deal with in such a compressed time frame. Going in this time, I am less nervous. I know the department, the expected standards. I am more interested in the course material this time around, too. I am going to have to get used to a new text book really quickly, but at least I now trust myself in front of an academic classroom. I can teach Spanish. I was nervous the first time, maybe more than I realized, not shy, but just untrusting in my ability to really do it well. So going in this time, I'm fine with it. Things are also a lot less cluttered in other areas of my life. I've been doing a lot of mental clearing out, which has helped with things internally, but also, things have calmed down a lot externally. I hope it continues in just such a way, but even if the external changes, I think I've gotten back in touch enough with myself that I can still maintain a moderate internal climate.

John and I went down to Brew Pub last night, met Tiffany and Jim, a couple other people in the geology department. I had my first PBR in a few years and a couple Red Stripes. We had an OK time. I like to be out and have a few beers and just relax, but I wish we could talk about something other than geology and the goings on of the geology department. It's to be expected, of course, but I get bored.

This morning I got up about 9:30, whined until John got out of bed and made some coffee (he was already awake, had to go to the office, so I wasn't being mean), had some cereal with John, and then I started cooking. I cut up a three pound chuck roast and threw it in the crock pot with some water, beef bullion, and onion slices. That's been in for three hours now, so we're getting there. I also fried up some chicken breast in small pieces for our pitas. John and I are both trying to eat better this semester. Last semester I was eating all kinds of bullshit all the time- pizza, burger after burger... that's fine in moderation, but I just got overwhelmed with scheduling, and honestly just some emotional stuff too that left me too tired to care about cooking. I really do like to cook, surprisingly, and by cooking at home we save money and get better nutrition. I intend to be overall less strung out and helpless with myself this semester.

I watched "Wife Swap" while eating a pita and having some V8, had some chai, and played piano. No one's here, so I sang loudly. I love to sing... the vibration in my chest and the noise escaping the body has always been so calming and connecting for me.

I think I'm going to head to the Rec now for a swim. I was going to go to the Rec with John later, but Joe's joining us for dinner after he gets done teaching at 5:30, so the timing won't work out. John won't care anyway, so he can just go do his thing and I can do mine. He's been doing really well with his exercise- four days in a row now. I'm proud of him. It is important to make that commitment to your own health.

It's not even all about longevity. It makes every day better. If I had to wake up and be sick every day, I'd rather just not wake up. I'm under no delusions of immortality or perfect health if I exercise and eat right, but I do know that it contributes to better energy levels and feelings of wellness every single day. And since every day counts in my book, that's worth it in and of itself.

Swim, Read, Play Drums and Piano

Earlier, after having a glass of wine and watching a movie with John called Ink, I nearly fell asleep with a drum on my tummy. I was listening to reggae and screwing around on the djembe. Gradually, I got tired and laid down with it, so if that says anything about the day...

Got up... sometime. None of the clocks in this place are set or in sync. Made coffee, ate some frosted flakes, and sat on the futon being anxious and whining for awhile. John and I went to the Rec, and, as usual, some exercise made me feel right again. I swam about forty-five minutes, 'bout 25 laps. It felt so good. Swimming for me is not like other exercise, which hypes me up, but it calms me down instead. The sunlight was hitting the water at such an angle that when I was doing the breaststroke, every time I bobbed my head under water all I saw were a million little light bubbles floating among the blue. It made me downright giddy, which isn't really an emotion I experience with frequency.

This afternoon consisted of reading and doing housework intermittently, with the emphasis more on the reading. I read a short novel today called Las batallas en el desierto. All the talk of illicit love that one can't really do anything about made me upset, and I had to take a nap so I would wake up with that loop no longer playing in my head. It was a good book, about a kid growing up in WWII Mexico. Interesting, the focus wasn't on the war, but an adolescent's first encounter with the emotions of being in love. It was really heartbreaking he couldn't get the girl, even though he was a child and she was about twenty years older. Still, the descriptions... I think it makes a statement that the author chose to focus on love instead of war. Kinda saying... what's important in war times is still not war. It's love. Speaking of which... Carly got me these shoes for Christmas that say "Make art not war" on them. Anyway-

Had leftover chili and grilled cheese for dinner. Oh yeah, lol, I was watching the latest episode of Desperate Housewives on Hulu and insisted that John make my sandwich and bring all my food to me. Well, before you judge... five minutes before I made that demand, he stood in the kitchen demanding to know when I was going to make the pot of potato soup. A grilled cheese sandwich takes a lot less time and mess than soup, so I don't want to hear it.

Moped around awhile, bored. Then we watched that movie. It was OK. I mean, to me the whole topic of consciousness/subconsciousness, beings and different versions of ourselves existing simultaneously in different planes is just... well, durrr... I believe it happens. It's so much a part of my worldview, though, that these "mind bogglers" as they try to be are just... lame. The movie was OK, but they shouldn't get too many extra points for originality, that's all I'm saying.

Then it was drum time. Part of that whole be-me-do-me resolution. Won't go into the details of why I did or why I wouldn't without the resolution. Point being, I played. Then we went to Kroger to get some coffee for the morning, came back, I played piano awhile. But by this time I was getting so tired I was fucking up excessively.

Other resolutions:
Did nothing with #1, no push-ups today. Nothing w/ #2, no research on study abroad trips. #3 Back pain- not yet, although I am going to stretch right after this. #4- piano and drumming. Well, that was sort of aimed at the pain reduction, too. Sometimes just calming down and being really present helps me to untense.

Anyflip, nite.

Reach Always/ Forever Deranged

Bedtime meditation aimed at pain reduction ultimately put me in the mood to write again. We'll see how this goes... I gave up on the meditation when I saw my freaking hand moving across paper to write this. The autoformatting wouldn't allow me to do the indentations as I wanted. "forever" and "deranged" are both indented.

reach out and touch

forever with me floating

always from blossom to blossom

deranged among the moonflower


always gone by morning

Back in Motown

Monday, January 3, 2010
11:33pm

Back in Morgantown. John and I are hanging out in pajamas watching Daddy Daycare. We just did an at-home workout (after going to the Rec and realizing they were closing in about twenty minutes). Up to 28 push-ups today.

I was up today about 9:30, went to Mam-maw's and Pap-paw's to drop off some of the food Carly and I made last night. Packed up, went to the credit union, and came back over. That's the short version... I don't feel as much like writing this as I thought I did, lol.

Chili, Fudge, and Resolutions

Monday, January 3, 2011
12:43am (so pretending it's still Sunday)

Well, it's been a full day, if nothing else. I started the day off a little late due to various sleep disturbances throughout the night that I won't go into right now in order to avoid unnecessarily reheating my anger. I had a couple cups of coffee and started working on resolution #3 for this year, which is to be abroad by the summer. I found a program in Ecuador for teaching English. It's all inclusive for $3990, including airfare and all meals in-country, and is two months long, so it looks like a winner so far. The only draw back might be the return date. It says "mid-August." If that means mid early August, that's fine, because I can get back in time to start my TA commitment back up. If that means mid late August, that could throw the whole thing off. Probably, though, this will not be the only program to which I apply, as I really do want to make it happen for the summer. So I wrote three essays this morning for that application. They're rough still, but I'll edit soon enough.

Mom, Carly and I went for a walk down at the park this afternoon. It was pretty cold, but the sunshine was nice. The moderate, as opposed to intense, exercise was nice. It didn't feel like a workout, but it felt excellent for my back. Note to self for resolution #2- walking gently eases back pain. I don't plan to ditch my more intense, fitness-oriented workouts in favor of leisurely strolls, but they might be something I can ocassionally incorporate into my life to gently loosen my spine.

This evening I visited with my grandparents. Mam-maw was having an exceptionally bad night, talking about a fear of going to sleep due to fear of nightmares. She was just really, really a wreck. She's depressed and nervous about many things, not to mention that she hasn't been eating. When a person doesn't eat, at least some basic carbs, the brain starts taking weird directions. Carbs or a lack thereof really affect mood a lot. She said her back was hurting, so I offered to rub it. That had the best effect on her. She just started to calm right down. The things she said were making sense again, and she wasn't going from crying to shaking, from crying to shaking. She was like, man, you really know where to get. How did you learn to do that? Unfortunately, the best teacher is having chronic back pain yourself, lol, but at least it found a useful application tonight.

I wanted to do something nice for my grandparents and parents tonight. Mam-maw wishes she could cook more for Pap-paw still, and Pap-paw has never really cooked anything more than a bologna sandwich in his life. So for our brief hang-out time tonight, John and I drove up to Witschey's and got stuff to make chili. Took John home, dropped him off because he wasn't feeling well, and came home. Carly helped me in the kitchen. Together we made a big pot of chili, cornbread and peanut butter fudge. The fudge is all for Mam-maw. She loves it and seems to have some emotional attachment to having it around the holidays. She got sick while making it this year and had to quit, so she never got any. So we made it for her tonight. Fudge is really tricky to make, fyi... sugar is so easy to burn.

Worked on all my other resolutions in some format today, too. #1- I did 26 push-ups straight today. #2- did some basic yoga stretching before bed to hopefully help with pain. #3- essays for Ecuador as mentioned previously. #4- This has been in my mind all day, and I've felt it surfacing. I'm just not letting people pull me down. I'll decide how I feel about myself and learn to screen out external negative voices. This also helps me be nicer to others. When I'm less defensive, it's not only easier to let others in, but also not to feel a need to pre-emptively attack. #4 came out at my grandparents' tonight when Mam-maw was talking about her fear for nightmares. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't speak about God or the spiritual out loud to people because I'm obviously not in a church nor on any structured path. I feel people are always ready to ask, "Who are you to say anything about it?" But it came right out of my mouth. "Well, just say your prayers. Tell God you want Him to hold your mind tonight." She looked at me confused, but then seemed to make sense of it and asked if I'd pray for her, too. Thing is, it's a prayer I've used before when I've had trouble in bed at night. Sometimes, although not frequently, I get overtaken by the most intense and irrational fears. The best thing I can do in a time like that is realize that my fears are not rational and to try to align my mind with the universal Mind, my idea of God, where I know things just are what they are, not distorted like in my mind. Things are calm and make sense there, even though not to my own senses. So I got to speak from an uncomfortable part of my own experience tonight and not feel uncomfortable doing it. So that's progress on #4.

2011, I welcome you.

Saturday, January 1, 2011
5:56pm

I have a feeling this is going to be a good year. I plan to make it so. I've laid down the groundwork, and while I will have to continue doing the work, things are set up well, I think. Specifically, I've been working with my self the last couple months. Without realizing, I sort of put myself on the back burner in certain situations which led to some resentment, depression, and feelings of neglect. Most of the decisions I was making, I did with other people in mind, which is fine, it's great, but not when you forget you're withering away, too. And this year, I'm going to do anything but whither. I'm going to get stronger and better, with four main goals. That's a lot of goals, and I've frequently been a scoffer at resolutions and excessive goal-setting, but how can you get what you want if you don't put it out there in the universe that you do want it? So the four goals are as follows:

1. The ability to do 100 push-ups in a row.
2. Find something that works for my back pain.
3. Get myself abroad this summer.
4. Be me, be proud of that, and don't back off.

First with #1- 100 push-ups? This is my simplest goal, seemingly without a purpose, and probably the most easily achievable. But I have my reasons: 1) Having been involved in fitness on a daily basis for as long as I have been, it's easy to lose interest without goals. You have to have these little challenges to keep yourself motivated. 2) Physical strength transfers mentally to overall personal strength for me. I'm not sure why it's quite like this for me, but I do know I used to be very weak and unfit, and I couldn't keep up with my peers in such simple things as gym class or just hiking, carrying my own things, etc. I felt this marked me as weak. In a school dominated by athletic pursuits, this made me a target for jibes. Increasing my physical strength these past several years has been more to me than that. It's been taking myself and saying, I'm just strong as any of you, stronger even, and you can't make me weak just by saying so. To me, push-ups are difficult. I'm not predisposed to that particular exercise- my shoulder stabilization is off, my lower back is weak so I cave in... if I can do 100 push-ups, I will feel very strong.

#2- Back pain. I considered saying "fuck it" to this one as I've become resigned to it. Every day I wake up in pain. I wiggle it out little by little throughout the day, and depending on activity, I feel it almost always. I don't know what else to try. I've done the yoga thing, gave up after it stopped helping anymore. Exercise generally helps me the most. If I miss a day, I know it. I'll have to find something else, because I'm tired of popping ibuprofens. I watch my grandma with her cirrhosis and don't want to go that route unnecessarily myself. For now, I guess I'm going back to yoga and meditation until I find something else I might be able to try. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. This is why this one is tough, I don't have a real plan. But I'm putting it out there to the universe.

#3- Abroad for the summer. This is important for my career and personal development. My whole life I've wanted to travel, experience other cultures, especially in Latin America. This traveling will almost certainly require taking out a loan, but it's justifiable. Not being a native Spanish-speaker, I need the work with the language. And in my field, it really is a resume-builder. It says I have sensitivity to other cultures, a willingness to travel, experience with the Spanish language, and the drive to make it happen. So I'm going to have to let go of the nervousness about going alone and taking the loan to do it. I want to have this in place by February. This is a difficult one to make happen, it involves financial risk and sacrifice as well as personal risk. Relationships in the meantime? The anxiety of being somewhere alone? But I've gone in groups, and there's no way I can get someone to come with me by this summer. John's working on his thesis, and while others may say they want to go, I can't envision someone else getting on board in time to put in the research and get it going by this summer. I've got this one life, and my passport is still valid. It's time to fly.

#4- Be me. This is the most challenging of all. To make this make more sense, I was an extremely extroverted child. I made friends with all the other kids in the hotel pool every summer at the beach. At North Bend, I always had some new friend to ride bikes with. I'd say whatever to whomever with no regard to situation. Somewhere along the line, that changed. I became nervous, shy, terrified to be myself, expose myself, even though everyone else and even I thought I was still being outgoing. But I held so much in myself in reserve, safely away from criticism and rejection. They were parts I didn't know I was keeping back- my spirituality for one. That's a big one, really. It became impossible to talk about it frankly, say I experienced this or that, I think this or that, because I could never find someone whose thoughts matched mine and very few who were willing to talk about it. Personal emotions and thoughts were held back, they might show up in a poem here or there, I might share a few in writing only, but to say the things that those poems held, to a real person... impossible. I've frequently felt I'm letting people down. With ridiculous things. Like when I'm home... doing my homework or my workouts... these have seemed to me to be downright transgressions because I could/should be spending my time visiting/whatever. I can't name all the situations in which I have felt that being me, doing the things I need and want to do is problematic in some way or another, either letting someone down, or making me downright unlikable. But I have to let that go. I'm not waiting for people to accept me anymore. I accept myself, and if you can't accept me back, then it's me rejecting you now. I'm not going to narcissism here, but I am taking care of my self and my heart. This will be the most difficult one to achieve, I suppose I'll write some of my struggles with it here.

Overall, I think I have a lot to look forward to this year. I'm going to get stronger and expand my being. I'm not shrinking, only growing. So 2011, I'm ready for you if you're ready for me.