I lean and loaf and invite my soul.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010
11:44PM

Today: appointment, tattoo, meeting, 101 exam.

I started my day off feeling crampy and then heading downtown for my appointment. One of those times when I wasn't really sure why I was there, but whatever.

Came home. John and I drove to Point Marion with Jim so he could get his car, which was at the Honda dealership there having work done.

John and I stopped at McDonald's back in town for lunch and then went down to Thinkin' Ink. My experience there was a lot more positive than at Patty's Artspot. The guy let me lie down and didn't have to pretend to be a total bad ass the entire time, which I appreciated. Also, expecting the pain was helpful. My right hand and arm are a mess though from where I clawed myself to deal with the pain... I know... how does causing more pain to oneself help to deal with the pain at hand? Well, it's like this... if I meet the pain being inflicted on me externally and then increase it, that puts me back in control. It's odd. Anyway, the whole thinking about that got really cathartic and I started crying. I know people cry when they get tattoos sometimes, but mine was a sad cry, not a this-hurts cry. It just sort of got me to thinking about the times people have made me feel like crap and so I've pushed just a little harder, little further, faster, stronger to meet it and defeat it. That just... made me sad. Anyway, it's over now, and my tattoo looks a lot better. I'm glad I got it finished by someone who was willing to work with me instead of against me.

Came home, tired from the pain and emotional trip, took a brief nap, and then John drove me down to Chitwood and dropped me off. I was still in a fog, so I had some tea with me. It was a meeting to get the finals distributed to us and to explain the grading process... I have to have everything done by Friday at noon, apparently, so that should be intense. I was thinking I had until Monday. But I'm glad, because now I'll push to get it finished and actually get to be done.

Went to BN between the meeting and the exam with Maria, Diana, Nacho, y Abbie para tomar algunos cafes. Yo compre un te.

The exam wasn't too bad. I had a student come in an hour late. Everyone was pretty much finishing up at that point, so it wasn't really fair. I told her she could have until the last person who'd arrived on time was finished. (This isn't the first issue.)

After the exam, John picked me up outside in front of Colson. We had a simple dinner- I had a pizza lunchable, he had a tuna sandwich, both with juice and bagged salad. Well, it's time for us to veg out.

That's something I'm really going to try hard to do over this break. My goal is sort of an anti-goal. For the past... seven years I have been going a million miles an hour, constantly. I have had no time to catch up to myself, appreciate where I'm at, just constantly... trying to catch up, and it's never enough. So, I'm not teaching fitness or working at Barnes and Noble over break. I'm just going to hang out and try to filter. Sounds relaxing, but for me that's also work and a little nerve-wracking. But I'm going to stick to it and see if I don't emerge a little more balanced after the holidays.

I want to do my art, my music, read, write, exercise, do yoga, all on my own time and no one else's. I want to "lean and loaf and invite my soul."