Going out of me

Monday, December 6, 2010
10:43pm

I'm sitting in bed. John's lying down beside me, presumably setting his phone alarm for the morning. I've got that corny new age relaxation music I always listen to playing on my Pandora, and you popped into my head. I wish there was a way to make you understand how much I care about you, why that makes it hard to stay exposed to you when it ends in injury. Mostly, I want you to know I care. I'll love you even when you can't feel it, even when you can't see it, even when you think what it really is is hatred. I can't change your perception, all I can do is continue being in the world in my own way, and I feel it going out of me. Perhaps it reaches you. You're thinking I hate you; I want only to heal. It's Advent, and while I'm not practicing any religion anymore, I still think about light coming into the world, helping that light come. I need you to know I wish the same light and love in your life. I wish there was a switch on your back, like there is on my wall, that I could just flip and illuminate you from the inside.

Anyway...
I've been fluctuating between states of panic and excitement, panic about not getting things done well or on time, excitement about finishing this very stressful semester and having the opportunity to rest and start over. I gave my presentation in Tania's class today, and I think it went well. I swear, people look at me like I'm insane when I give my presentations. I suppose I was ranting and raving a little. Ah well, that's what I do.

Today I taught Zumba. I wish so much that I'd have had the time to bring them some new choreography before Christmas, but my priorities are as follow: 1. Friends and Family, 2. School, 3. My fitness classes. I did get some very old ones going again, though, so perhaps they seemed new to my ladies. They make me smile inside and out, out on a frigid, snowy Monday morning, dancing freely and really putting it out there for the sake of the workout. They are strong and beautiful, and they inspire me.

After Zumba, I came home, showered, ate my body weight in food, and finished typing what I wanted to say in my presentation. I then proceeded to read it to out loud to myself in the mirror for practice. I re-watched a movie for the paper I'm writing for Tuninetti, and that was actual work. The movie isn't much fun to watch, and I had to be super-attentive in order to take notes. Practiced my presentation again and then wrote out a very detailed schedule for myself for the next five days in order to be able to get everything done when it needs to be done. I then brainstormed a few pages for my paper for Tuninetti. I believe it was yesterday, perhaps the day before, but I came to the realization that I need to revise my entire thesis and therefore entire paper. Yick. Went to BIBY, presented and listened to presentations. Most of them were actually really interesting. Our instructor should have good papers to read at the very least.

Came home, showered immediately to warm up and basically just wash the day off me before returning myself to working on my paper for Tuninetti. John made stir fry from some frozen dinner kit, which, considering we're both up to our necks in end-of-semester grad school stuff and it did have vegetables in it... I'll take it. I was good; I sat and wrote on my paper for a little less than two hours, but I still wrote more than I expected to in that amount of time. So perhaps by the end of all this I'll have more time for revision than I thought. That would be good, but mostly I just want this semester to be finished.

Instead of pushing beyond my goal once I'd met it, I came in here, turned on soft music and did yoga. Well, I relaxed and stretched. There was no pushing myself through any series of intricate or beautiful poses tonight, just preparing the mind and body for sleep, and allowing myself that moment to acknowledge my self for doing what she did today so that she can do it again tomorrow... and the next day, and the next day.

I hope you all find some time to pay tribute to your selves this day, as well. Blessings.