Christmas Eve

Saturday, December 25, 2010
2:05AM

Merry Christmas, all! (Although, since I'm just now going to bed I'm writing this as if it were still Christmas Eve.)

Woke up a little after 8. Cheerios and coffee. Upwords with Dad. Played piano. Did Zumba in the living room with Carly and Mom. Showered. New Mart. w/Carly to try to get a particular item for John for Christmas. Didn't have the correct size, so f that. Long way home, not sure why, sequestered self in bedroom and read the first half of the first novel for next semester. Rest of the family played Phase 10. Went to Lori's and hung out with all them. Erica is in. All of us watched Christmas Vacation and some Jeff Dunham comedy. Went home, got ready, went to Midnight Mass w/Mom and Carly. Obviously not feeling religious as per usual and far from inclined toward a Christian religious celebration, however I was hoping Mrs. Daly and Mr. Ensinger would be playing piano together as in years past. When they do, that lifts my soul so much more than any scripture passage or homily could ever hope to. That music and connection affirms my spirituality for me, so that's what I was going for. They weren't playing. Started getting claustrophobic and wanted an eject button. Texting back and forth with John to pass time before Mass started. It wasn't a terrible service, just odd to think back to two or three years ago when I shared every belief with them all. How can I be a totally different person now? But I chose to investigate, and I had to be open to the answers. And I can still see some value in Christianity. A Divine Being can manifest itself anyway it likes. If it chooses to clothe itself in Christianity in certain instances, that's fine; I just wish people would keep it in perspective in that way. For me, give me beautiful music, a beautiful landscape, or the loving heart of a close friend or lover, and I know I'm at peace.
Mam-maw sick as expected. Was going to visit her before going to Lori's tonight. Called down to the trailer, Pap-paw answered, said he was putting her to bed. I asked if she might want me to come visit. He asked her, and I heard her crying in the background that she was just too tired. I hate that she felt guilty about not wanting me down there. I hate that she didn't make it to Lori's with the rest of us. I hope she's feeling better tomorrow and can come join us. I guess earlier today Pap-paw was going to take her to the hospital for some reason. She said she didn't need to and would be fine, but if going to bed crying at 7pm is fine, I'm a monkey's ass. I hope she isn't faking wellness just for Christmas, though I couldn't blame her if she was. I just don't want to see her wind up in worse shape than necessary trying to tough it out.
Tom. will be busy. Plans with my family, John's family, prob see Lori's family again, visit Mam-maw and Pap-paw. So I should go to bed I suppose. Nite, merry Christmas!