5:55pm
Sitting alone in the dark, just asked John for a few minutes of silence. Sometimes all the noise and chaos of everyday life just gets to be too much, and I need space, dark, and silence to bring it all back around. Had planned on writing later on tonight, but I need the quiet now.
Today was my last session of 101. This semester really has been... like I've said again and again... just a lot. I'm surprised it's almost over, because while I have done what I need to do for school, like superficially, I've been so caught up in so much else, that I've barely noticed the time passing. Oddly, I actually sort of look forward to writing these papers and finishing out the semester.
We just had a TV delivered; John ordered one for us over Thanksgiving break, and it arrived today. I feel a little bad not helping him with it, but it's just been so much stimuli today, that I must sit here and not be bothered. Just ate some leftover pizza and am getting ready to go to the Rec. I'm hoping that's going to bring my energy back around so I can do some reading/research/grading tonight. Whatever productive thing I do, it would be good to put in a couple of hours. I'm trying to pace myself these last two weeks, yes, but still keep going.
I had a rare moment of mercy today. A student walked into class twenty minutes late, after everyone had already finished the quiz and we were on to the semester review. I held him after class to see what was up, and there's this grown man speaking in a whimpering voice about PRT troubles. I'd let out five minutes early anyway, so I asked him why he didn't tell me what had happened. He said, looking sadly at the floor and faltering for words, that he figured I wouldn't care. :( Um, hello? I always make that optional study guide, give that optional review... I don't care? Ooofff... I know I probably shouldn't have, but I asked him if he wanted to take the quiz and waited while he finished it. I remember always feeling nearly ready to blow my head off between Thanksgiving and Christmas break as an undergraduate. Every little frustration was inflated, but so, too, was any small act of kindness. So, I was unreasonably and illogically nice. Oh well.
(WHY DID JOHN JUST COME BUSTING THROUGH HERE TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND DIGGING THROUGH THE CLOSET?!?!?! SILEENNNNNNNCCCCEEE!!!)
Oy, John and I are very different on this detail. He wakes up full of zest and perk. I wake up full of anxiety and exhaustion. Perky comments about the day and tickling me makes me feel like I'm just going to take a massive dump in the middle of the floor. >:( When I get off from school/work, I want quiet, I want a void. No more sensory input!!!
Although, I have to say, I am getting a little better about my noise intolerance. Two kids across from me at the library today were having an all out conversation about something totally irrelevant to their school work (which is the only way I'm ever able to mentally excuse chitchat in a library), and I was able to complete my own task without having to say something about it. Well, I really don't usually say something about it, but I sit there and think so hard about saying something that I can't concentrate on my work. But today I did my work! Yay me! OK, so I know how ridiculous that sounds, but we all have our little hang ups.
So, on lots of things recently, I'm finding my give-a-damn to be busted, as the song goes. Usually, always really, I am so exceptionally compassionate and caring that... no matter my own situation, I will find one more little piece of myself to dig up for you. I think I've dug all I can dig lately, sourced myself out to various areas where there's been an affinity, and now... I'm just irritated. I have my own shit to deal with, and for once, that is going to be my priority. I have academic and personal things I'm trying to take care of, and when various situations and people just keep bringing me the same shit on different days and are still unable to acknowledge where I'm at... I'm just saying... my give a damn's busted.
OK, I better go to the Rec now before I really can't get up. I'm soooooo tired!!!
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