Sunday, April 3, 2011
7:23pm
This has to be short, because I desperately need to get to work. I have a paper to write for Ferreras that's due on Wednesday and I haven't even started outside of some minimal research. I don't think anyone knows what's expected with this paper, and it's stressing me out. A lot of my time this past week that I probably should have spent on the paper has gone to Bollywood rehearsals and performance and then this afternoon just a lunch get together at Arathy's. I decided not to rush, though, because honestly, I haven't encountered such transparently decent people in a long time. I just sort of reveled in their presence. I've really enjoyed getting to know them all and spending the time we did dancing. I think it's so important to dance and do things just for beauty and spirit sometimes. Otherwise, it's so easy to get washed away in the busyness of life. We are all only here for so long. I wrote about this earlier on paper, so I'll not go into it all again.
On Friday, I met author Mempo Giardinelli along with several other members of the department. I was excited; his life story is very interesting, and it inspires to me that someone could endure something so horrible and live to turn it into art and then be such a jovial person. He answered my question about writing, so for me that was exciting. If you know me, you know I love to write and to have a famous author answer my question, especially in Spanish, was pretty awesome for me.
I don't know what else to write about. I think I am really just procrastinating on this paper as it seems so overwhelming with not knowing what to write about at all. :/
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Busyness
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
11:59PM
Just a quickie post to defrag before going to bed. I am so tired. Up at 8 this morning, which was later than I wanted to be up. Sat on the futon with the cat, having coffee, listening to classical music, and reading for Tuninetti's class as well as practicing for my presentation. Worked out at home to save time... did some intervals to get in some resistance training as well as learn some new choreography. Should have probably gone to the gym and done straight resistance, but I'm just letting it be what it is this week, since we're doing all the stuff with Bollywood. Showered, headed to campus. Bustled up through the alley late, because there was... a problem at McDonald's. Anyway. Office hours 2-4. Tuninetti's class 4-7. I sat there just waiting to give my presentation. I walked in feeling moderately confident, but then I had to sit there and wait forever. He's been pretty critical of my presentations in the past, and I'm not saying I disagree with his comments, but... it does make me more nervous to present for him as opposed to other instructors. I feel like at any second, if I look out of the corner of my eye, he's going to pick up that pencil and make a note of what he needs to deduct points for. :/ After class, went to Rec for Bollywood rehearsal from 7:30-9:30. Oh yeah, stopped at Subway for some dinner first. I ate it in the car. Rehearsal went well. It's coming together. I enjoy the people I'm dancing with for this brief moment in time. Came home, pet the cat who is the biggest attention whore of a whine baby (but exceptionally cute and cuddly for all that) of a cat I've ever met. Sat here on the futon some more planning tomorrow's lesson and getting started on grading compositions. I would really like to be able to hand them back on Friday when they turn in their exams. Have that off my chest before I have to start grading exams. My work is cut out for me this next week- paper for Ferreras due in a week, and everything else I'm doing, plus this massive all-at-once quantity of grading that needs to be done right now. I'm just gonna keep truckin', because i don't know what else there is TO do, and hope I get it all done when it needs to be.
Now, however, it is time to let a very busy, productive day go and get myself to bed.
11:59PM
Just a quickie post to defrag before going to bed. I am so tired. Up at 8 this morning, which was later than I wanted to be up. Sat on the futon with the cat, having coffee, listening to classical music, and reading for Tuninetti's class as well as practicing for my presentation. Worked out at home to save time... did some intervals to get in some resistance training as well as learn some new choreography. Should have probably gone to the gym and done straight resistance, but I'm just letting it be what it is this week, since we're doing all the stuff with Bollywood. Showered, headed to campus. Bustled up through the alley late, because there was... a problem at McDonald's. Anyway. Office hours 2-4. Tuninetti's class 4-7. I sat there just waiting to give my presentation. I walked in feeling moderately confident, but then I had to sit there and wait forever. He's been pretty critical of my presentations in the past, and I'm not saying I disagree with his comments, but... it does make me more nervous to present for him as opposed to other instructors. I feel like at any second, if I look out of the corner of my eye, he's going to pick up that pencil and make a note of what he needs to deduct points for. :/ After class, went to Rec for Bollywood rehearsal from 7:30-9:30. Oh yeah, stopped at Subway for some dinner first. I ate it in the car. Rehearsal went well. It's coming together. I enjoy the people I'm dancing with for this brief moment in time. Came home, pet the cat who is the biggest attention whore of a whine baby (but exceptionally cute and cuddly for all that) of a cat I've ever met. Sat here on the futon some more planning tomorrow's lesson and getting started on grading compositions. I would really like to be able to hand them back on Friday when they turn in their exams. Have that off my chest before I have to start grading exams. My work is cut out for me this next week- paper for Ferreras due in a week, and everything else I'm doing, plus this massive all-at-once quantity of grading that needs to be done right now. I'm just gonna keep truckin', because i don't know what else there is TO do, and hope I get it all done when it needs to be.
Now, however, it is time to let a very busy, productive day go and get myself to bed.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Soup, Pie, Nil
Friday, March 25, 2011
11:34am
Spring Break is winding down all too soon. I'm sitting in my pajamas, listening to nothing but the sounds of the dryer and the furnace. First thing this morning, I cut up a 3 pound chuck roast and tossed it in the Crock Pot to make vegetable soup, or really... more like to a stew. John's down in his office, and it seems this morning is almost eternal for the loneliness. I'm trying to relax into it, because at any other time, I would want time expanded.
We just got back yesterday afternoon from our little getaway in the woods at Berkeley Springs. We rented a cabin there for a couple nights and were mostly lazy. There was a jacuzzi on the deck... I wished we could have made it hotter, but 104 degrees wasn't so bad once you got used to it, and you could stay in it longer that way. On Wednesday we were sitting out in it, and there had been rain all morning so that the woods were enshrouded in fog and the the trees looked more gray than brown, blending with the air around them. The steam coming off the water and hitting my face before bouncing on up toward the sky made me also feel very blended. But then, it's just a thin layer of skin that keeps our blood and organs back, holding us separate from the world around us.
We played a couple games of Scrabble while we were there, one of Monopoly, and passed the time burning Duralogs in the fireplace. Last night I met up with the aerobics crew at Chili's. Betty, a woman I perceive to be in her early 70s, very beautiful, used to be a model, asked what we did there. Skiing? Something exciting? We played lots of Scrabble, I said, and she raised a brow and wrinkled her nose. I suppose that didn't sound so appealing. But... sometimes it is nice to just stop. Watch the world move on by, and the only thing you really want to be separate from is time, which pulls you unwillingly along on its strings, stitched together by some unseen hand. And all you want to do is pause. Look and hold. And it's silly, of course, because this is not possible. Nonetheless, the slower you get, the closer you get. And the arcs made as x approaches infinity, never quite touching, crossing, intersecting, but still you think of it. It was really nice to just move slow for a couple days and just be there with each other. I didn't take the computer. I didn't get on the internet. We didn't use the TV much. Just the last night to watching "South Park" and a couple other things, but we were doing it together. I'd like to be back there, but that invisible seamstress keeps tugging at the thread I'm sitting on, of course, and it's time to move along. I have, however, cleaned the trailer all up and, although time is always in such short supply I can't keep things neat, am trying to bring a homier feel into our home and let it last as long as possible. I'm not necessarily on a domestic kick so much as trying to remember that the small joys are the things that ultimately seem to matter most and so to... draw as much flavor from the bones as I can. Why can't I say anything straight? Language always eludes me like some strange animal disappearing into a dark forest. And maybe this is why sometimes I see no point in talking. Things are disappearing, and it's not bad and no reason to be scared of it, but... why blubber on giving meaning to the disappearing things? The meaning perhaps is only in the witnessing, for me, anyway, and I like to watch.
I am in a weird mood, because I am reading a book called The Secret Scripture about a 100-year old Irish woman. Her voice is so strange, her thoughts crazy and crystal clear... much madness is divinest sense. Yes, that's how I feel today. I think maybe I'll make a pie later.
11:34am
Spring Break is winding down all too soon. I'm sitting in my pajamas, listening to nothing but the sounds of the dryer and the furnace. First thing this morning, I cut up a 3 pound chuck roast and tossed it in the Crock Pot to make vegetable soup, or really... more like to a stew. John's down in his office, and it seems this morning is almost eternal for the loneliness. I'm trying to relax into it, because at any other time, I would want time expanded.
We just got back yesterday afternoon from our little getaway in the woods at Berkeley Springs. We rented a cabin there for a couple nights and were mostly lazy. There was a jacuzzi on the deck... I wished we could have made it hotter, but 104 degrees wasn't so bad once you got used to it, and you could stay in it longer that way. On Wednesday we were sitting out in it, and there had been rain all morning so that the woods were enshrouded in fog and the the trees looked more gray than brown, blending with the air around them. The steam coming off the water and hitting my face before bouncing on up toward the sky made me also feel very blended. But then, it's just a thin layer of skin that keeps our blood and organs back, holding us separate from the world around us.
We played a couple games of Scrabble while we were there, one of Monopoly, and passed the time burning Duralogs in the fireplace. Last night I met up with the aerobics crew at Chili's. Betty, a woman I perceive to be in her early 70s, very beautiful, used to be a model, asked what we did there. Skiing? Something exciting? We played lots of Scrabble, I said, and she raised a brow and wrinkled her nose. I suppose that didn't sound so appealing. But... sometimes it is nice to just stop. Watch the world move on by, and the only thing you really want to be separate from is time, which pulls you unwillingly along on its strings, stitched together by some unseen hand. And all you want to do is pause. Look and hold. And it's silly, of course, because this is not possible. Nonetheless, the slower you get, the closer you get. And the arcs made as x approaches infinity, never quite touching, crossing, intersecting, but still you think of it. It was really nice to just move slow for a couple days and just be there with each other. I didn't take the computer. I didn't get on the internet. We didn't use the TV much. Just the last night to watching "South Park" and a couple other things, but we were doing it together. I'd like to be back there, but that invisible seamstress keeps tugging at the thread I'm sitting on, of course, and it's time to move along. I have, however, cleaned the trailer all up and, although time is always in such short supply I can't keep things neat, am trying to bring a homier feel into our home and let it last as long as possible. I'm not necessarily on a domestic kick so much as trying to remember that the small joys are the things that ultimately seem to matter most and so to... draw as much flavor from the bones as I can. Why can't I say anything straight? Language always eludes me like some strange animal disappearing into a dark forest. And maybe this is why sometimes I see no point in talking. Things are disappearing, and it's not bad and no reason to be scared of it, but... why blubber on giving meaning to the disappearing things? The meaning perhaps is only in the witnessing, for me, anyway, and I like to watch.
I am in a weird mood, because I am reading a book called The Secret Scripture about a 100-year old Irish woman. Her voice is so strange, her thoughts crazy and crystal clear... much madness is divinest sense. Yes, that's how I feel today. I think maybe I'll make a pie later.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
March 20
Sunday, March 20, 2011
11:23pm
Sitting here in the family room. Mom's snoring on the couch, and Carly is up in bed trying to get some sleep before having her wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. I want to go to bed, but my nails are wet. Writing this right now is merely something to do for entertainment until they are dry.
So... today... Dad woke me up to say that Mom had made breakfast. Score! In a rare moment, the four of us all sat down to homefries, kilbasa, biscuits, and eggs together. Dad went to bed soon after as he'd worked the midnight shift. I continued drinking coffee and screwing around online for awhile, just waiting for it to warm up. Went for a 5-mile run down at the park, came home, showered, and headed out to the Richies', where Isaiah taught me how to shoot two different automatics, a rifle, and a revolver. The revolver seems to be the best option for me. I really do want to purchase a home defense weapon. I know there are a lot of opinions floating around out there about how people should or shouldn't have guns in their homes, but basically, it's my right. I feel the people who are judging me for wanting this should take a step back and either think about why I might want a gun, or just... even better... leave me alone. Me being me, if I ever had to shoot someone, it would absolutely devastate me, even if it was done in self-defense. However, I don't think I deserve to die or endure an attack on the outside chance that someone would break into my home. Chances are if someone's breaking in, they're coming in armed. Also, I imagine myself as having kids someday, whether biological or adopted. If someone broke in and had my child, absolutely I'd want to have the ability to defend that child... or really anyone in my home in a dangerous situation. It's something I hope I never have to do, but in the event that it would, I want to be prepared because I would absolutely choose to protect the life of the victim as opposed to not "playing God" and just letting the perpetrator take an innocent life. Again, I'd never shoot that gun in an intent to kill unless it was imperative. I don't think guns are fun. I don't think guns are toys or cool, though I don't judge people who have fun shooting for target practice or hunting. I just do have the write to protect myself and my loved ones, and that's a right I feel like exercising. I was grateful to have a friend who knew a good bit about guns and who obviously takes safety very seriously to teach me.
Came back, put the food away I'd cooked earlier, and met up with Dad and Carly down at Pap-paw's and Mam-maw's. Lori came down, too, and we basically just hung out.
This evening Carly and I learned a couple routines off my ZIN DVD. I'm trying to get some choreography locked down over break here so that when I return my class will feel a little fresher hopefully. So that's been my day... running, guns, Zumba, visiting, and some drumming.
11:23pm
Sitting here in the family room. Mom's snoring on the couch, and Carly is up in bed trying to get some sleep before having her wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. I want to go to bed, but my nails are wet. Writing this right now is merely something to do for entertainment until they are dry.
So... today... Dad woke me up to say that Mom had made breakfast. Score! In a rare moment, the four of us all sat down to homefries, kilbasa, biscuits, and eggs together. Dad went to bed soon after as he'd worked the midnight shift. I continued drinking coffee and screwing around online for awhile, just waiting for it to warm up. Went for a 5-mile run down at the park, came home, showered, and headed out to the Richies', where Isaiah taught me how to shoot two different automatics, a rifle, and a revolver. The revolver seems to be the best option for me. I really do want to purchase a home defense weapon. I know there are a lot of opinions floating around out there about how people should or shouldn't have guns in their homes, but basically, it's my right. I feel the people who are judging me for wanting this should take a step back and either think about why I might want a gun, or just... even better... leave me alone. Me being me, if I ever had to shoot someone, it would absolutely devastate me, even if it was done in self-defense. However, I don't think I deserve to die or endure an attack on the outside chance that someone would break into my home. Chances are if someone's breaking in, they're coming in armed. Also, I imagine myself as having kids someday, whether biological or adopted. If someone broke in and had my child, absolutely I'd want to have the ability to defend that child... or really anyone in my home in a dangerous situation. It's something I hope I never have to do, but in the event that it would, I want to be prepared because I would absolutely choose to protect the life of the victim as opposed to not "playing God" and just letting the perpetrator take an innocent life. Again, I'd never shoot that gun in an intent to kill unless it was imperative. I don't think guns are fun. I don't think guns are toys or cool, though I don't judge people who have fun shooting for target practice or hunting. I just do have the write to protect myself and my loved ones, and that's a right I feel like exercising. I was grateful to have a friend who knew a good bit about guns and who obviously takes safety very seriously to teach me.
Came back, put the food away I'd cooked earlier, and met up with Dad and Carly down at Pap-paw's and Mam-maw's. Lori came down, too, and we basically just hung out.
This evening Carly and I learned a couple routines off my ZIN DVD. I'm trying to get some choreography locked down over break here so that when I return my class will feel a little fresher hopefully. So that's been my day... running, guns, Zumba, visiting, and some drumming.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Spring Break starts today.
Friday, March 18, 2011
9:03PM
Got up, planned my lesson for today, which was surprisingly easy today. It often takes me two hours to plan a one hour lesson. Today it took thirty minutes, so that is nice.
I got the news from Spain last night, as I already posted on Facebook, that I have been accepted to the program to teach English for one year at the University of Valladolid. It´s bittersweet. I´m thrilled for the opportunity, but it's hard to leave people, especially John and my sick grandma. My parents don't know yet that I applied. I just wanted to have it all set up before I went to the pains of explaining what was going on. I have surprisingly few details, and had even fewer earlier and didn't want to have to answer questions. Plus, I generally feel perturbed at the ambiguity in life, so to have to analyze the ambiguity with others just makes me... anxious. I hope they'll be happy about this. My grandma will be sad, and that will hurt my heart, but I think I have to do this. I feel handicapped in the Spanish language, but I'm not going to say I suck. I've learned it entirely in West Virginia, nowhere else. Given that, I'd say I do pretty well. However, it's never been a language I was dependent on, so I do struggle. I want to be fluent, and this is how I can do it. I don't want to wake up every morning with a lot of regrets, so despite the difficulty of leaving people for a year, I'm just going to have to do it. And I am excited. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So last night was Bollywood rehearsal. I had such a blast. I had to miss the first rehearsal, because I was working on two presentations over the weekend. So... as far as formations went, I had no idea where I needed to be. And it was like, "Casie, run!... Casie... over here!" Lol, reminded me of marching band. Formations were always the last thing I learned, and I just followed the herd. Somehow, it worked out. Idk, this has been a good opportunity working on this performance. Just another one of those things in life that has just magically fallen into my lap. I'm not sure where we're performing this, or in front of whom. I don't care. I just want to dance and maybe make a few friends in the process. Toward the end of the rehearsal I got a little more insight as to how much they're wanting to do with this when I saw the costumes, lol. I currently have a red dress in my car that I'm borrowing from another woman I just met, lol. And it's been really good, too, because everyone involved is very cooperative. There are no divas. I'm just enjoying it for what it is, and I don't even know exactly what that is, lol. It's a charmed life.
Wednesday night I went to Gibbie's with Joe. We met up with Isaiah, Andy, Carman, Carly, Sally and her boyfriend. It was a good sized group for me... we could all fit at one table. I was really pumped that Carly came out and had fun with us. She and I did a karaoke version of "All that Jazz," so that was pretty spectacular. We are both insane/dorky enough to go all out Vaudeville with it. I enjoyed just being with friends, too. I miss the shindiggers especially, and I feel like Isaiah and Andy have generally been people I could connect with for conversation.
So yeah... Spain. Bollywood. Karaoke and friends. I'm lying in bed quite sore from my workout on Wednesday followed by the Bollywood rehearsal... four hours including the class... last night. But I have a week off from school now, and that makes me feel amazing. I have been needing it sooooooooooo badly! I don't think I'll do much work over the break, perhaps start working on a paper for Ferreras, but I really need some time to cool my jets. I'm glad to be getting it and to get to see Miss Mammaw.
Better get ready. Advising appointment at 11:30.
Peace.
9:03PM
Got up, planned my lesson for today, which was surprisingly easy today. It often takes me two hours to plan a one hour lesson. Today it took thirty minutes, so that is nice.
I got the news from Spain last night, as I already posted on Facebook, that I have been accepted to the program to teach English for one year at the University of Valladolid. It´s bittersweet. I´m thrilled for the opportunity, but it's hard to leave people, especially John and my sick grandma. My parents don't know yet that I applied. I just wanted to have it all set up before I went to the pains of explaining what was going on. I have surprisingly few details, and had even fewer earlier and didn't want to have to answer questions. Plus, I generally feel perturbed at the ambiguity in life, so to have to analyze the ambiguity with others just makes me... anxious. I hope they'll be happy about this. My grandma will be sad, and that will hurt my heart, but I think I have to do this. I feel handicapped in the Spanish language, but I'm not going to say I suck. I've learned it entirely in West Virginia, nowhere else. Given that, I'd say I do pretty well. However, it's never been a language I was dependent on, so I do struggle. I want to be fluent, and this is how I can do it. I don't want to wake up every morning with a lot of regrets, so despite the difficulty of leaving people for a year, I'm just going to have to do it. And I am excited. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So last night was Bollywood rehearsal. I had such a blast. I had to miss the first rehearsal, because I was working on two presentations over the weekend. So... as far as formations went, I had no idea where I needed to be. And it was like, "Casie, run!... Casie... over here!" Lol, reminded me of marching band. Formations were always the last thing I learned, and I just followed the herd. Somehow, it worked out. Idk, this has been a good opportunity working on this performance. Just another one of those things in life that has just magically fallen into my lap. I'm not sure where we're performing this, or in front of whom. I don't care. I just want to dance and maybe make a few friends in the process. Toward the end of the rehearsal I got a little more insight as to how much they're wanting to do with this when I saw the costumes, lol. I currently have a red dress in my car that I'm borrowing from another woman I just met, lol. And it's been really good, too, because everyone involved is very cooperative. There are no divas. I'm just enjoying it for what it is, and I don't even know exactly what that is, lol. It's a charmed life.
Wednesday night I went to Gibbie's with Joe. We met up with Isaiah, Andy, Carman, Carly, Sally and her boyfriend. It was a good sized group for me... we could all fit at one table. I was really pumped that Carly came out and had fun with us. She and I did a karaoke version of "All that Jazz," so that was pretty spectacular. We are both insane/dorky enough to go all out Vaudeville with it. I enjoyed just being with friends, too. I miss the shindiggers especially, and I feel like Isaiah and Andy have generally been people I could connect with for conversation.
So yeah... Spain. Bollywood. Karaoke and friends. I'm lying in bed quite sore from my workout on Wednesday followed by the Bollywood rehearsal... four hours including the class... last night. But I have a week off from school now, and that makes me feel amazing. I have been needing it sooooooooooo badly! I don't think I'll do much work over the break, perhaps start working on a paper for Ferreras, but I really need some time to cool my jets. I'm glad to be getting it and to get to see Miss Mammaw.
Better get ready. Advising appointment at 11:30.
Peace.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Surprise Naptime
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
4:42PM
For some unknown reason, Dr. Tuninetti walked into class today only long enough to announce that we weren't going to have class anymore. So I'm home now, in the recliner, under my WVU blanket, listening to rain hit the trailer. I don't have any lights on, and it's quiet. Of course, as soon as I got the news we weren't having class, I immediately began thinking of everything I could do with those extra three hours... actually get all my reading done for tomorrow? Do my lesson plans early and go to bed on time? Maybe, but I am so tired right now, that I think I'm just going to sit in this chair for awhile, maybe take a short nap.
The last three nights I think I've averaged about 5 hours of sleep a night. That's what having two presentations in one week... on Monday and Tuesday of all days... will do to you. And the exhaustion is starting to make me confused. Earlier, I tried to iron my shirt with the electric mixer. Then I got lost in the tiny building of Chitwood after having worked in there all year. Yes, just listening to the rain for right now sounds like a pretty excellent idea. When I wake up, I can decide what else I feel like doing. :)
4:42PM
For some unknown reason, Dr. Tuninetti walked into class today only long enough to announce that we weren't going to have class anymore. So I'm home now, in the recliner, under my WVU blanket, listening to rain hit the trailer. I don't have any lights on, and it's quiet. Of course, as soon as I got the news we weren't having class, I immediately began thinking of everything I could do with those extra three hours... actually get all my reading done for tomorrow? Do my lesson plans early and go to bed on time? Maybe, but I am so tired right now, that I think I'm just going to sit in this chair for awhile, maybe take a short nap.
The last three nights I think I've averaged about 5 hours of sleep a night. That's what having two presentations in one week... on Monday and Tuesday of all days... will do to you. And the exhaustion is starting to make me confused. Earlier, I tried to iron my shirt with the electric mixer. Then I got lost in the tiny building of Chitwood after having worked in there all year. Yes, just listening to the rain for right now sounds like a pretty excellent idea. When I wake up, I can decide what else I feel like doing. :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thoughts over the first few sips of wine
Sunday, March 13, 2011
10:58PM
I'm thinking again, and I suppose I oughtn't. Then again, pensar es servir. Recently I had to replace my ink cartridge. Tonight I needed to print the 12-page speech I have prepared for myself so that I can give it tomorrow. Unfortunately, the printer didn't recognize that there was, in fact, a cartridge in the printer. So John and I went down to Brooks and he printed it for me there. I think he was more upset about it than I was. I think I'm a little numb to getting really upset about things right now. I've been like that this whole weekend, which is unusual for me when I'm under this heavy a workload. But I just keep thinking about Japan, and it makes me sick. The biggest earthquake in Japan since records began 140 years ago, and one of the top 10 ever. Watching the footage just makes me... well, I'm being redundant, but... sick. One second homes are sitting in happy order, the next that wall of water rushes through them making them pool toys. I seriously have tears in my eyes right now and will be crying soon. I just hate this so much. I think about what it would be like to wake up, maybe my spouse was working a night shift, and now... he's never making it home. Or... I've got my car in the highest gear and I'm trying to drive away, but the water eclipses me and I'm done. I'm breathing, healthy, full of fight, and Mother Nature decides it's simply time to crush me. My heart is breaking. Some things I've heard in relation to what's going on, ignorant political statements really, just kill me. How can you think about borders and history at a time like this? I hate history classes in some ways. It's good to learn about the past, I suppose... but a lot of time all it does is perpetuate hate. Why else would a child in my seventh grade history class be proclaiming that he was going to kill those Japs? And it makes me think about borders and rules on a scale beyond the current. So many times we aren't supposed to care about someone, love someone... because they're from another place. Or someone is in "your" home, or you're in "theirs," and one or the other of you is supposed to feel displaced. I listened to John Lennon's "Imagine" earlier, because I needed some healing music, and one of my favorite lines is Imagine there's no country... imagine all the people, sharing all the world. What if we didn't think in terms of countries and borders? What if this didn't happen to "Japan" but part of our own selves? After all, national borders are nothing more than arbitrary lines drawn by cartographers. If you were on the border between the US and Mexico, as it was before fences and immigration officers, you wouldn't have known where one country ended and the other began. I've been working all weekend on this presentation about Mexico. Some of the people I love and who are close to me have very big problems with the ideas of immigration. This is "our" country. But... it isn't. Yeah, we pay the taxes here, but there's a bigger law, a better, more perfect law, which yes, I believe is God's law. This is God's world; we're sharing it for a time, and to play keepsies from Mexicans is about as juvenile as one sibling holding a gift from a parent over the other sibling's head. I know there are politics, and I don't want to argue. I just wish people would love each other already. And it can be argued that that's overly simplistic. Maybe it is, but when love is at the center, things do become simpler.
So, they're on the verge of nuclear meltdown in Japan. That depresses and scares me, too. I know that "we're safe" from the meltdown and all that, but it's just so sad... to think of a power that can be used for so much good getting turned into destruction. How would it be to wake up to a huge hole in the ground where your town used to be? And I think of humanity in those terms frequently, capable of such infinite goodness, often screwing it all up, perpetuating hate and hurt. And one of the ways I envision us doing this, eventually, is with nuclear war. It terrifies me, but mostly... depresses me. The way Hitler was born with the same DNA as any of us and just became... bad. What if Hitler had had a nuclear bomb? What if someone like Hitler gets hold of one such a bomb eventually? I used to have apocalyptic dreams all the time. A radiation wave from a blast was always coming at me. When I first started having the dreams, I was nothing but terrified, running, knowing I couldn't get a way, but in my dreams time was warped... those milliseconds between realizing I couldn't escape and the wave actually touching me stretched on infinitely. In the more recent versions of the dream, I just felt a sense of futility and surrender, depression. There we were, humanity, capable of such a beautiful life and world together, about to be completely obliterated. That's the upsetting part, not the horror of death or mass destruction, but the knowledge that it could have been so much better. What makes us chose fear over love? Over and over again? Why do we do that? I wish we could just recognize, yes, this is temporary, but it's no excuse to not fall in love every day. These things we love and experience, they're gifts. They were never for us to hold onto, so why begrudge their going? We do, of course. It's our nature. But... what if we could... just be, and be in love?
10:58PM
I'm thinking again, and I suppose I oughtn't. Then again, pensar es servir. Recently I had to replace my ink cartridge. Tonight I needed to print the 12-page speech I have prepared for myself so that I can give it tomorrow. Unfortunately, the printer didn't recognize that there was, in fact, a cartridge in the printer. So John and I went down to Brooks and he printed it for me there. I think he was more upset about it than I was. I think I'm a little numb to getting really upset about things right now. I've been like that this whole weekend, which is unusual for me when I'm under this heavy a workload. But I just keep thinking about Japan, and it makes me sick. The biggest earthquake in Japan since records began 140 years ago, and one of the top 10 ever. Watching the footage just makes me... well, I'm being redundant, but... sick. One second homes are sitting in happy order, the next that wall of water rushes through them making them pool toys. I seriously have tears in my eyes right now and will be crying soon. I just hate this so much. I think about what it would be like to wake up, maybe my spouse was working a night shift, and now... he's never making it home. Or... I've got my car in the highest gear and I'm trying to drive away, but the water eclipses me and I'm done. I'm breathing, healthy, full of fight, and Mother Nature decides it's simply time to crush me. My heart is breaking. Some things I've heard in relation to what's going on, ignorant political statements really, just kill me. How can you think about borders and history at a time like this? I hate history classes in some ways. It's good to learn about the past, I suppose... but a lot of time all it does is perpetuate hate. Why else would a child in my seventh grade history class be proclaiming that he was going to kill those Japs? And it makes me think about borders and rules on a scale beyond the current. So many times we aren't supposed to care about someone, love someone... because they're from another place. Or someone is in "your" home, or you're in "theirs," and one or the other of you is supposed to feel displaced. I listened to John Lennon's "Imagine" earlier, because I needed some healing music, and one of my favorite lines is Imagine there's no country... imagine all the people, sharing all the world. What if we didn't think in terms of countries and borders? What if this didn't happen to "Japan" but part of our own selves? After all, national borders are nothing more than arbitrary lines drawn by cartographers. If you were on the border between the US and Mexico, as it was before fences and immigration officers, you wouldn't have known where one country ended and the other began. I've been working all weekend on this presentation about Mexico. Some of the people I love and who are close to me have very big problems with the ideas of immigration. This is "our" country. But... it isn't. Yeah, we pay the taxes here, but there's a bigger law, a better, more perfect law, which yes, I believe is God's law. This is God's world; we're sharing it for a time, and to play keepsies from Mexicans is about as juvenile as one sibling holding a gift from a parent over the other sibling's head. I know there are politics, and I don't want to argue. I just wish people would love each other already. And it can be argued that that's overly simplistic. Maybe it is, but when love is at the center, things do become simpler.
So, they're on the verge of nuclear meltdown in Japan. That depresses and scares me, too. I know that "we're safe" from the meltdown and all that, but it's just so sad... to think of a power that can be used for so much good getting turned into destruction. How would it be to wake up to a huge hole in the ground where your town used to be? And I think of humanity in those terms frequently, capable of such infinite goodness, often screwing it all up, perpetuating hate and hurt. And one of the ways I envision us doing this, eventually, is with nuclear war. It terrifies me, but mostly... depresses me. The way Hitler was born with the same DNA as any of us and just became... bad. What if Hitler had had a nuclear bomb? What if someone like Hitler gets hold of one such a bomb eventually? I used to have apocalyptic dreams all the time. A radiation wave from a blast was always coming at me. When I first started having the dreams, I was nothing but terrified, running, knowing I couldn't get a way, but in my dreams time was warped... those milliseconds between realizing I couldn't escape and the wave actually touching me stretched on infinitely. In the more recent versions of the dream, I just felt a sense of futility and surrender, depression. There we were, humanity, capable of such a beautiful life and world together, about to be completely obliterated. That's the upsetting part, not the horror of death or mass destruction, but the knowledge that it could have been so much better. What makes us chose fear over love? Over and over again? Why do we do that? I wish we could just recognize, yes, this is temporary, but it's no excuse to not fall in love every day. These things we love and experience, they're gifts. They were never for us to hold onto, so why begrudge their going? We do, of course. It's our nature. But... what if we could... just be, and be in love?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)